Here we are again, another year come and gone and my birthday will arrive again tomorrow. I don't know if we ever really out grow birthdays, even when we've had as many as I have, somewhere inside of each of us is that person who looks forward to their birthday and the excitement and happiness it will bring. I guess I bring that up because even though there is no one to remember me this year or make a big deal out of it, I'm still turning a year older and wonder what the day will bring.
I refuse to think of all the negative of a day that should be special and yet I know it won't be. Although I know there are people who care about me, it's the ones I love and have lost that weigh on my mind. The thoughts of how my birthday could be a magical day, filled with love and joy and starting over, those things linger in the back of my mind as I quickly push them out of my head and try to focus on the practical, logic of the day.
I keep thinking about broken bridges from the CD that Toby Keith put out because he talks about the broken bridges which are things you just can't put behind you. Most of us know that saying, " this is the bridge we have come too." Most of us know that we come to things in our lives that do not turn out the way we hoped they would and we have to move on but, what about the things we can't move on from, let go of, move past?? I call those things broken bridges.
50 years is a long time to live. It hardly seems possible that I have lived that many years and yet, sometimes I feel it. We mostly like to think about this time as a time when we have figured out what we want out of life and accomplished most of it. Some of us have a spouse that has been around 30 some odd years. Our children are grown, savings and retirement is almost complete and a time to live and not worry about the stresses of life.
Some of us are notthat lucky and this is an age when we start to worry about what will happen, how we will live when we get old, who will be around to help us. All the things you plan for and hope for can vanish in one single moment and with no fault of your own, you can find yourself not at all where you hoped and dreamed you would be.
I am that person and even though that might sound like a sympathy story, it's really just a fact. I've learned a lot in this world but the most important thing I have learned is that when it's all said and done, there are only two people you can truly count on, yourself and the Lord. Everything else, everyone else is simply a bridge that has been broken. You can't cross it or burn it or go under it, you simply stop and look at it.
I have heard that the closest thing to magic is love and maybe that is true because God's love could be viewed as something magical. It has the power to lift you up off the ground and fill your heart with warmth and joy and happiness. Still, I believe that the closest thing to magic are miracles. Something you hope for with all your heart that seem impossible to have and yet it happens, just like magic.
Oh how I wish for a miracle even though I know that no matter what happens, the grace of God is enough to get me through everything that comes my way. How happy I would be if my daughter realized how much I miss her and how much her actions have hurt me and decided to put an end to the sadness and accept me in her life again. How I wish that life was not always about being alone but instead I had years of memories with someone who was still here and still planning to grow old with me. The simple joys in life of sharing a meal with someone you love or just taking a walk together.
I know that is all silliness. I know that we can't really wish on a star or a birthday candle or drop a penny in a well. Still, I think now I can understand the hearts of elderly people who reflect back on their lives and miss people who have come and gone. Still feels like that young person who plays on a swing or climbs a tree, even though their body won't work like it use too.
Of all the things that have happened to me in my life, I would say that the greatest thing is that I found the Lord and I know that I can always count on him, even when I've lost faith in humanity and happy endings.
Cinderella and Snow White are wonderful stories that inspire us to believe in love and happy ever after's but hopefully when we grow up, we understand that they are fairytales and not everyone lives them.
I am sad that the people that mean so much to me are not here to celebrate my birthday or have any plans to be around in the future but I'm still ok because I know that for some reason, God chose to create me and allow me to live this long and that there is more to life than this world we live in. In the end, the only true thing any of us have to hold onto is knowing that we are a child of God and that one day we will be with him. We came into this world with nothing and we will leave it with nothing, not even the broken bridges in our hearts.