Sunday, August 26, 2007

THE AWAKENING

prayinghands.jpg image by slimhawk

The scripture tells us in Ecclesiastes that there is a time for everything under the sun.  Those of you who read my journal know that it must be one of my favorite passages because I use it so much in my journal.  The reason is simple, it reminds me that nothing lasts for ever because if it did, we would get stuck on one particular time in life and not move past it.

I'm so thankful for God's word and for his patience and compassion for me.  I have spent the last year, just struggling with the crippling pain of loosing my child to the world.  I've cried and prayed and struggled through the depression of it all and poured my heart out in my journal.  All the while, people told me that I needed to give it to the Lord and let go.

How could I do that?  How could I just let my daughter go and not have my hands on her life, trying to fix things for her and help her?  What kind of mother would turn her back on her child and just let go??  It's very simple, a mother who has so much faith in the God who gives us our everything and loves us, that she simple, stopped struggling and put her, placed her lost child in the hands of our loving Savior.

I can't tell you how difficult that was for me.  My mind went crazy with thoughts of what if this happened or that or what if she needs me?  Then it hit me, God is greater than anything I could ever be and he see's her everywhere she is. He knows her heart better than I do and he knows how to teach her, far better than me.  Putting her in the hands of God is not letting her go and walking away.  Putting her in the hands of the Lord simply means, I've given her the best I can possibly give her, I've given her to God.

 

refugestrength.jpg image by slimhawk

 

So much has been changing for me since I have done that.  It's like I have found a new awakening and all the things that have been right in front of me, now are visible and I see.  The news just breaks my heart, so much suffering and need and despair everywhere.  I keep praying that God will open doors for me and close the old ones.  I keep praying that God will show me his plans for my life and my purpose that is only found in him.  I've been searching for so long and looking in all the right directions but I've been looking with a thought or a goal in my mind.  Now, the slate is clear and I no longer have a desire to obtain the things I want or think I should have but instead, my heart truly desires what God has for me.

People tell me to find a cause or charity or something but the Lord keeps telling me to be patient and wait and he will show me what he has for me.  Each day I wake up, I expect something but I do not have my mind set on one thing.  Each day, I simply pray that I can be a light to the world for him and that I can live a life that is pleasing to him.

All the things that have been going through my head have found their way into another poem.  Seems the Lord always gives me words to write out my heart onto paper and have meaning.  I pray that this poem will bless you and comfort you and give you new hope.

bePrayingForYouTanAngel.jpg image by slimhawk

Not About Me
 
Lord I know you're watching and I know you have a plan
Because in your word you tell us, you have the whole world in your hand
You see much more than I do, you hear the cries of despair;
You know there's people suffering, not just me but everywhere
There's floods that come upon us, from the rains and fires and spills
Some people have no clue Lord, they get rich and spin their wheels,
But you oh Lord know everything, you know your plans for good
If you only had a vessel who would heed your word like we should
This world has gone quite crazy, seems there's little black and white;
People searching for a way to make even greatsin seem alright;
Such a selfish world we live in, people only love themselves
As your word does warn us clearly, seems we only see ourselves
But you oh Lord are awesome, if we only take your hand
And stand against the evil one and make our dream your plan
I wonder how you feel Lord, when we go off on our way;
With our plans in mind to please ourselves, not caring what you say
Oh we find some joy and laughter but it all comes to an end
For you oh Lord know everything and sin can never win
Lord help us to remember, you have the whole world in your sights
And we must resist the evil one and fight with all our might
Put on your holy armor, start each day with humble prayer
Be aware of those around us, people suffering everywhere
For you oh Lord know everything you word rings loud and clear
If we'd only stop and listen, we would know that you are near
There's nothing you can't handle, there's no place you can't be
Lord help me to remember, life isn't always about me.

Copyright ©2007 Poetry by ging

 

I refuse to give the enemy one more second of pleasure from watching me struggle and fear and suffer and feel hopeless.  I pray that my attitude, appearance and speech can be that of comfort and hope and love to others.  Thank you so much for all your prayers and for your listening ear.  God bless.

 

DsDesignsSecludedShoreThankYou.jpg image by slimhawk

 

Remember, the greatest way to repay someone who has done you harm is to live and be happy.  Sugar girl, thank you for the beautiful graphics.

 

tig-1.jpg image by slimhawk

 

 

Saturday, August 25, 2007

I CAN

easterde.jpg image by slimhawk

 

 

 

I CAN
 
I CAN DESIRE THAT MY CHILDREN ALWAYS LOVE THE LORD FIRST AND PUT HIM FIRST BUT I CAN NOT MAKE THEM CHOOSE HIM.
 
I CAN TEACH THEM OF THE PROMISES OF GOD AND THE BLESSINGS THAT HE HAS FOR THEM BUT I CAN NOT MAKE THEM CLAIM THEM.
 
I CAN HAVE A GODLY HOME AND SET THE RIGHT EXAMPLE FOR MY CHILDREN BUT I CAN NOT MAKE THEM WANT TO BE HERE.
 
I CAN TEACH MY CHILDREN RIGHT FROM WRONG BUT I CAN NOT ALWAYS BE THERE TO MAKE SURE THEY CHOOSE THE RIGHT THINGS.
 
I CAN LIVE A MORAL LIFE AND TEACH THEM ABOUT MORALITY BUT I CAN NOT MAKE THEM BE MORAL.
 
I CAN TEACH THEM ABOUT SEX AND SET THE EXAMPLE OF A PURE LIFE BUT I CAN NOT MAKE THEM PURE.
 
I CAN TEACH MY CHILDREN TO TELL THE TRUTH BUT I CAN NOT MAKE THEM BE HONEST.
 
I CAN TEACH MY CHILDREN TO VALUE THE WORDS THEY SPEAK AND BRING HONOR TO THEMSELVE BUT I CAN NOT MAKE MY CHILDREN HAVE HONOR AND INTEGRITY.
 
I CAN LOVE MY CHILDREN MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF AND TEACH THEM ABOUT LOVE BUT I CAN NOT MAKE THEM RETURN THAT LOVE.
 
I CAN TEACH MY CHILDREN TO SEEK THE WORD OF GOD WHEN THEY MAKE THEIR CHOICES BUT I CAN NOT MAKE THEM CHOOSE THE WORD OF GOD OVER THE WORLD.
 
I CAN TEACH MY CHILDREN RESPECT BY RESPECTING THEM BUT I CAN NOT MAKE THEM RESPECT ME.
 
I CAN TEACH MY CHILDREN ABOUT DRUGS AND ALCOHOL AND THE DANGERS THAT COME WITH THEM BUT I CAN NOT MAKE MY CHILDREN SAY NO.
 
I CAN TEACH MY CHILDREN WHAT THE WORD OF GOD SAYS ABOUT AVOIDING ALL APPEARANCES OF EVIL BUT I CAN'T ALWAYS BE THERE TO MAKE SURE THEY STAY AWAY FROM EVIL.
 
I CAN TEACH MY CHILDREN THAT THE PATH TO GOD IS A NARROW PATH BUT I CAN NOT MAKE THEM TAKE IT.
 
I CAN NOT CONTROL ANYTHING PAST THE END OF MY NOSE BUT I CAN LIVE A LIFE AND AN EXAMPLE THAT IS PLEASING TO GOD AND PRAY THAT GOD USES ME TO TOUCH ANOTHER SOUL.
 
IN THE END, I HAVE REALIZED THAT I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER ANYTHING BUT MY OWN ACTIONS AND I CAN DESIRE WITH ALL MY HEART THAT MY CHILDREN HAVE A REALTIONSHIP WITH GOD BEFORE ANYTHING ELSE IN THEIR LIVES BUT IF AND WHEN, THEY STEP OUTSIDE OF ALL THEY HAVE BEEN TAUGHT ABOUT THE LORD, I CAN STILL TURN IT OVER TO THE LORD, TRUST HIM, CLAIM HIS PROMISES AND KNOW WITH CONFIDENCE THAT HE IS WORKING, WATCHING OVER THEM AND TEACHING THEM ALL THINGS BECAUSE, NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR GOD.
 
 
 
 
Picture188.jpg image by slimhawk
 
 

Prayer - Thank you Lord for helping me see all the things that I am powerless to do for my children.  Thank you Lord for reminding me that of all the things I can not do, all things are possible for you.  Help me Lord to remember each step of the way that you are truly their one and only father and you do love them more than I ever could.  Help me to recognize when the enemy tries to step in and tell me lies about what is impossible for my children because I know that with you, nothing is impossible.

Help me Lord to trust you with so much faith and confidnece that my life might bring hope to other parents whose children have strayed from their up bringing and teachings of you and remind me always Lord that your promise to us is that if we raise our children in the way they should go, they will come back to you.  Thank you Lord that you are all things bright and beautiful and good.  Comfort my heart with the promises you have given me.  Amen.

And we know that all things work together for good for those who love the Lord and live according to his will.  Romans 8:28

godneverbreaksapromise.jpg image by slimhawk

 

 

Sunday, August 19, 2007

OBEDIENCE & COMPASSION

compassion.jpg image by slimhawk

 

When I arose today, facing yet another very lonely day ahead of me, the silence was crippling.  I reached over to turn on the Christian radio station so that I could have that positive, encouraging word for the day but then it hit me, be still and listen.

So I turned off the radio and sat there, thinking about things going on in my life, trying to clear my mind so I could hear God.  I couldn't help but think about my daughter because her absence is something I live through each and every day and even though I turn it over to God, many times, I still have trouble obtaining peace that lasts.  I miss her, with all my heart I miss her and it's impossible to lay your life down for your child, every single day for 17 years and suddenly not think of her any longer.

I thought about that.  Thought about all the prayers I have said and all the people whom I have asked to pray for her and for me.  I thought about the compassion in a person's heart that would have to be there in order to care about and pray for a complete stranger.  I thought about my anxiousness to see results now and the struggle I go through to let it go again and focus completely on the Lord again. With faith and hope in my heart, I wake up everyday, wondering, who God will use to reach out and actually act upon his call to physically be there for her.  That's when it hit me ....

The Bible tells us that we should pray for one another, love one another, have compassion on one another.  We are not only to pray for one another but also, we are to reach out, go the extra mile, share our wealth with the poor and needy, be used by God to physically help others, not just pray. There are so many scriptures in the Bible that speak of charity towards your neighbor, brother, friend, family.  The one that the Lord put on my heart today was this ...........

Zechariah 7:8

Thus speaks the Lord of hosts, saying, Execute true judgment, and show mercy and compassion's every man to his brother.  And oppress not the widow, not the fatherless, the stranger, nor the poor; and let none of you imagine evil against his brother in your heart. 

Compassion - consciousness of others' distress together with a desire to alleviate it

Obedience - an act or instance of obeying, being open to listening and doing what you are asked to do.

I can't tell you how many times I have prayed for things, for help, for the need to have the Lord bring someone to me that would care enough to help me.  I even have the memory of going to a church with more than 3000 members, for eight months and being completely invisible.

When I grew up and would start a new church, the only thing I had to do was become involved, introduce myself to the pastor, talk to members and become a part of their services.  I guess I thought that is the way it is suppose to be because it has always worked for me but today, I can't help but wonder where the hearts of people are when a person can go into a church like I did, talk to people and attend regularly and still remain invisible.  For me, it discouraged me from ever wanting to go back to church and it made me realize that most people are so busy, focused on what they think they should be doing, that they don't even sense or see a need right before them.  I think that's tragic.

When my daughter left home, I had not one single advocate on my side, not one.  I prayed my heart out that God would send just one person who would set the right example for her and be an advocate.  I asked, pleaded, cried, begged, struggled with great turmoil because each day I woke up, I believed and expected that advocate to come and yet, nothing.

I thought about that a lot.  So many people who prayed for me and her; are still praying.  I know that God uses people, we are to be obedient to God not only in his commandments but in the needs he brings before us and wants to use us for.  I know that God is above all things and can do anything but God doesn't choose to always zap us with a miracle and make things work out magically.  God uses you and me.

What good is it to see a hungry person and tell them you will pray for them and then go on your way without offering them food?  What good is it to see a need of any kind, knowing you have the time and the means to help and simply offer prayer?

I know that I have been guilty of not being obedient when God asked me to be open to him and let him work through me.  I know I have been guilty of seeing a need and just offering prayer because it's easier than to take the time for another person.

I guess that the more tragedy we experience in our lives, the more compassion we have for others.  Instead of judging that person because they are poor and begging, we become aware that we have no idea what brought that person to the present time or even what walk of life he came from.  We give to them from the coins in our pockets, not because we believe they really need help but because we are instructed by God to help our neighbor and we do it unto him.  So if that person takes that money and goes out and buys alcohol or drugs instead of food, what difference is it to us, we were obedient.  God will deal with the people who take advantage of a compassionate heart.

Sometimes, that is the only thing that helps me to push away the thoughts that Satan puts into my head about what I can expect when I help another person.  I do the things I do because of obedience and not because I know that person will appreciate it every time.

I'm not saying that I am perfect by any means.  I fail at life every single day and at the end of each day, I turn it all over to God and ask for forgiveness and direction to be a better servant to God.

I simply know from my own experience and the scripture that there is much more to caring about your neighbor than simply praying for them.  I feel let down by the world because I have been disappointed by so many.  I struggle every day to not let the closed hearts of others, change the compassion I have for others.  I put my trust in God to meet my needs and not man.

If I had to depend onman alone in this world, it would all be hopeless.  The Bible speaks of the Lord searching the earth for even one righteous man and he could not find one.  When I do things for others, I make a huge effort to do it in silence, invisible so that I do not get the credit of a compassionate heart but I get the blessing for having an obedient one.

I use to think that the things that we do come back to us through people and things because of all the love and compassion I have shown towards others but now I know different.  Now I know that when I sow good things and reap good things, you Lord, are the only one who remembers.

Prayer -  Dear Lord, I ask that you fill our hearts with love and charity and compassion for others, the way you would have us too.  I pray that we can be silent enough to hear you when you speak to us, observant enough and sensitive enough to lend a helping hand to people you put before us with a need.  I thank you for the tragedies in my life that I have experienced because there is good in it.  The compassion in my heart for others runs deep and I pray that you would give me  discernment between being obedient to you and being taken advantage of by others for their own selfish needs.

I continue to pray and ask you to put an advocate for your names sake, in Emily's life and be a guiding light for her that will bring her to you Lord.  Watch over her, protect her and Lord, please speak loudly and clearly to those around her that you are the only one who knows all things and see's all things and has a plan for her.  Watch over her and keep her safe and let no evil weapon formed against her prosper. Help me to always remember that my hope is not in a man who might be open to your voice but my hope is in you Lord because with you, all things are possible.  I put my trust in you.  Amen

Be ye therefore, wise as serpents, gentle as doves for this is the commandment of God.

 

hope.jpg image by slimhawk

Lord I Count On You
 
Oh Lord my heart is breaking and I'm crying out to you;
Lord I can't always feel your comfort, even when I look to you;
I know your perfect will is best, I'm counting on your plans;
And not the spoken words men say, with never a helping hand;
In this world is tribulation, sorrow and despair, yet I always know
when I reach for you, I'll find you waiting there;
No one seems to listen, that is no one but you;
They hear the words I speak to them but there's nothing they will do;
I made a huge mistake Lord, see I thought you'd use a man;
To reach out to my little girl and take her by the hand;
I thought you'd use a person and whisper in their ear;
This child of mine needs Godly love and you are the one who's near;
Yet not one soul responds Lord and I blame it all on you;
My smile conceals my broken heart but I know it's seeping through;
Still not a single soul around seems to care that I have changed;
And though I fight this battle, the sorrow still remains;
Lord where is the caring heart the one you ask of us;
People walk right past me, as though they think they must;
I know one day I'll feel the joy of restoration true;
Not because I count on people but because I'm seeking you;
So today Lord I'm asking, please never let me forget;
To be open to the broken heart and never have regret;
For the things I could have done Lord, or a hand that is so true;
Help me always to remember, I represent a God like you.

 

 

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

WHEN A FATHER FAILS HIS FAMILY

jesusflecfromsugar.jpg image by slimhawk

 

Hello everyone.  Isn't this the most beautiful picture of the Lord?  My dear friend Deb made this for me.  I was suppose to put it with the poem and put on my last entry but got too anxious and so I decided that I would use it this time.  My friend does beautiful work.  If you want to know more about it, just ask me.

I was driving home from work tonight and the Christian radio station I was listening too was talking about the men of this world and how the failure of our men towards their families is what is wrong with the world today.  He was saying that on average, the typical father spends only seven and a half minutes a week with their teenagers.  What a travesty that is.  The results of a father who fails his family has repercussions that linger for years and even decades.

I know in my own family, a father was never in the picture, starting decades ago and it caused a chain reactions that has damaged generations of our family.  I so hoped that my generation would not be that way but when a man decides he no longer wants the responsibility of his family, it would seem that these days, they just trade them in for a new one.  It's so easy to give up and discard your family like they are nothing.  Sticking to your commitment to be there and raise your children and love your wife is so much more of a challenge.

This picture of the Lord is precious.  I know that I have him as my heavenly father and I am so thankful that I do.  Can you imagine the impact on the world if all of us had a father here on earth that was even a quarter of the man Jesus is???

The Bible is so direct about the responsibility of a father to his family.  They are to be the head of the house. Theyare to lead the way for their families to have a Godly home and direct their families in the way of the Lord.  They are to love their wives as Christ did the church and cherish her.  Father's are to submit themselves to the Lord.  Not to provoke their children to wrath.  So many bits of commands from the Lord that if followed, would save America as we know it today and yet, failure on a father's part is the key to so much bad in this world today.

I was thinking about my daughter today because it was her first day of her Senior year and I won't be a part of it.  I prayed for her to have all she needs and to have a good day and then I prayed that God would help me through this day because my heart is so saddened by her absence in my life.

My daughters father abandoned her when she was really only nine years old.  At that same time, I had to go to work to support us and my daughter basically had to raise herself.  It has caused huge emotional issues for her and for the rest of my family and it is what I believe to be the reason why our family is struggling today.

So many children all over the world have no idea what it is like to have a father present in the home.  So many young boys who did not have the influence of a Godly father and were left to learn on their own.  My son is one of those people and it breaks my heart to see how he struggles with even the most simple things in life.

I thought about this.  I pondered the day when we are all accountable to the Lord for our behaviors.  I wonder how many men who threw away their families for selfish gain, will feel when they stand before God and have to answer to him?

My heart is sad.  I think if I had a piece of advise for any young girl who is looking for a future husband, I would most certainly warn them that they need to choose a man who puts the Lord first in his life.  Truly honors the Lord and seeks his wisdom for every choice he makes.

I feel that we really need to be on our knees praying, not only for our children but for the men in this world who are too selfish to make the right choice and be who God calls them to be.

In the mean time, the suffering goes on and people everywhere, young and old are feeling the damage caused by an absent father.  Lord God I pray for the men in this world.  I pray that you would just hit them all with the awareness of their actions and cause them to look to you for the change in their lives that they need to make.  I pray Lord that you would be with all of us who either didn't have a father growing up or don't have one now.  I pray Lord that you would wrap your loving arms around us and comfort us as we try to fill in the gap and be everything to our children on our own.  God bless our families with your grace and mercy and work all this together for good.  Amen.

Special thanks to Deb for the beautiful graphic.  Also, Emily, you were with me this whole day today, in my heart and I pray you had a great first day for your Senior year.

 

jesusbaby.jpg image by slimhawk

God bless our children.

 

 

Sunday, August 12, 2007

A TIME FOR EVERYTHING UNDER THE SUN

season.jpg image by slimhawk

 

FOR EVERYTHING THERE IS A TIME
 
For everything there is a time, that's what God's word does say;
A time to laugh and time to cry and time to seek and pray;
The process of getting through the moments of despair;
They're just another struggle when we don't trust that God cares;
Our very made up being is emotion and this flesh;
Still we can only go each day, believing God knows best;
I kneel on bended knee each day and look to God for strength;
Only to see for myself, our hearts and minds can sink;
When life takes it's toll on me and sorrow fills the air;
I know that I can count on God to always be right there;
Still that does not mean that we always get what we pray for;
It's even written in his word that sometimes there's much more;
Much more than we can understand or even figure out;
Yet when our hearts are tuned to God, he takes away our doubts;
With God all things are possible and I know that is true;
But I have seen that dreams can only come to life, if God wants them too;
So I look to God for answers, for strength and joy and love;
It's true that God can do anything, his throne is set above;
For now my hope is his promise too be faithful and never leave;
And on those days when my heart is grieved, his comfort is what I receive;
To everything under the sun, there is a time God does say;
Lord in your mercy and your grace, help me walk in faith today.

 

My heart is so heavy with the injustice of the world and waitng on the Lord.  I know that I should just trust him and leave it at that but emotions get in the way and I get lost in the heaviness of life.  I wrote this poem yesterday in an effort to find a release in the pain I was feeling.  After I wrote the poem, I went to run errands and came within a foot of being killed by a drunk driver.  I looked him right in the eye, right before he almost hit me.  Right when he swerved into my lane, I swerved and his missed me, but got the person behind me.

I still don't know why the Lord spared me and not the person behind me.

I didn't even feel shaken up afterwards, other than that an innocent person had their life cut short because of the recklessness of another person.

I prayed for everyone involved.  Pondered the reason why things seem to happen the way that they do.  The injustice in this world just grieves my heart and not just for myself but for everyone.

So, today I decided to post my poem in the hope that someone might see it and know that we all feel this way at some time in our lives and that all we can do is have faith and believe that God does promise in his word, one day, we all will be accountable for what we do.

God bless.

 

prayingforyouDpenny.jpg image by slimhawk


 

 

 

Saturday, August 11, 2007

UNANSWERED QUESTIONS

stairwaytear.jpg image by slimhawk

 

 

So many unanswered questions, makes a person just want to clear their mind and not think at all.  It has been my experience that if I try to think things through and look for how God might be working or expect it, I can create so much confusion and questions in my mind, it's impossible to find peace.  People are always telling me that one day, they believe that my daughter and I will have a relationship again.  I know that when each person tells me that, they must believe it or wouldn't say it.  After all, these people are my friends and even more, they are Christians who base their opinions on the word of God.  I know they mean well and have hope and faith that what they say to me is true.  I question and doubt what they say because of one simple truth, " Free Will".

I have experienced a lot of tremendous loss and pain in my life even though the faith was there, the process of making sure I have my heart set on the things God says is his will in his word and praying faithfully.  My conclusion is that it is not because God was not able too answer my prayers.  Not because I wasn't faithful enough or had some kind of sin in my life that came between him and my prayers to him.  Not even because he doesn't care for me, even though I have processed all those thoughts and doubts in my head and done the best I could to fix anything I could on my part.  What I have found is that some prayers simply are not answered the way I hope they are because of a persons Free Will.

I was thinking about the miracles in the Bible, in real life and just in general.  It seems to me that the greatest miracles I can think of involved only two people, God and the person who was receiving the miracle.  I can remember over and over in the word of God, he would say to the person whom he gave the miracle too, your faith has healed you.  The miracle did not have a third person who had to be obedient to God in order to be given.

I know that God can do anything and he can change a persons heart, break them down until they have no place else to look but up to God. I also know that I have seen people be broken beyond broken, to a point where they do finally give in and seek God, promising to change their lives and then when God gives them what they need, that same person goes on with their sin and live years and years afterwards, prospering more than one can comprehend and get away with it in this world.  I have also seen people who serve the Lord with all their hearts and souls and minds and struggle through life with exhaustion and suffering beyond what seems imaginable.

I wish I had access to Billy Graham because I trust him and believe he could answer some of my questions.  I've been so mislead by ministers that it's hard for me to go to any other person with questions and believe I will get the right answers.  The Bible says that if any man lack wisdom, let him ask and so that is where I put my hope that God will give me wisdom but outside of that, I have a lot of doubt that I can find answers to my questions.

I was recently blessed with hearing from my daughter.  For those of you who read my journal, you know that she has been gone for over six months now.  I say I was blessed because that was the first time I have heard her voice since March of this year.  The content of her message on my answering machine was cruel, selfish, disrespectful and full of spit and bitterness.  Still, all I could think of was that I could hear her voice.  I even saved the message just to be able to hear her speak when I wanted too.

From all appearances, she is on top of the world right now doing better than she ever has before.  She's happy, healthy, beautiful and has all she needs without me.  There's still no remorse for her wrong doings, still no signs of breaking, nothing.  All she wanted was something from me that would spare her from paying consequences for her actions against me.

I don't know what to believe anymore.  I guess my greatest hope is that I can get through everything and maybe do more than survive.  Maybe I can actually one day live again and be happy other than when I'm in the presence of God and leaning on him.  Life is painfully exhausting.  I go through the days and start them with a prayer for God's will to be done and for him to protect my children.  Ask for him to search my heart and show me anything that would hinder him from working his perfect will.  Even to the point of giving up on the idea that maybe she will have a change of heart and come home and just pray for her salvation.

Satan is right there to destroy and devour my hope and my confidence that I can make it through this time.  I always hear about how great she is doing, how healthy she is, how happy she is, how very little she thinks of me.  Commercials with her name in them and advertisements of school starting up again and a constant reminder of her and that she is not here with me.

The heart of an evil man is mind boggling.  When Satan has reign over a persons life, it can feel like a fiery dart machine, aimed right at your heart and your only hope is to be able to count on God to help you survive each penetration to your heart.

I don't understand how it can be encouraging or even true for someone to say to me, she will come around one day.  The Bible says all things work together for good for those who love the Lord and live according to his will.  It says they work together for good.  Not our good, not our idea of what is good but for good because the outcome of our prayers is what God wants them to be.  The Bible says that the Lord will give us the desires of our hearts but in my opinion, those desires must be completely based on giving up our everything to the Lord and just trusting that what he wants for us is the best.

I'm pretty sad right now.  Feels like I've come up against a brick wall and there's no way around it.  My only hope is that God is with me and will comfort me and strengthen me to get through it all.  I see no open doors, just a whole lot of closed ones.  I see no reason to hope that there will be a miracle in my situation with my daughter because no matter how much God loves us, he doesn't always give us what we think we need.

I go through the days and try not to think about anything at all other than, God is with me.  The hurt still goes on.  Right now is especially difficult because of the time of year it is.  My daughter will be turning 18 in September and she will be an adult by the eyes of the law.  I don't see myself being a part of it.  Right now she is doing all the things that a kid does to get ready for her Senior year and I am not a part of it.  Right now, the very person, persons, who are responsible for all the damage that has been done are the very people who see her everyday, influence her life and get to share her dreams with her.

The Bible says in this world you will have tribulation but be of good cheer, I have over come the world.  To me, that means that our hope is not in this world but in the coming of the Lord one day.  If I am right about this, then I am right about my idea that the one thing we can count on when we pray is that God will help us through anything but that does not mean that we can hope in our hearts for restoration, justice, or that the good we hope for will ever be what our heart desires it to be.

For today, I will try the best I can to put it all out of my mind.  I will pray for peace that passes all understanding and hope that this is a good day where sorrow does not over take me and cripple me again.  For today, I will continue to pray for my children and ask for protection and salvation for my daughter.  For today, I just want to go through another day and not think about anything at all and hope and pray it does not bring yet another, heart breaking, energy sucking piece of news and hope for the best.

I wonder how many of you know what it's like to be completely and utterly alone?  I wonder how a person can even make an effort to find new relationship of any kind when every single person in their life, seems to leave with no fault of your own?  I wonder, how a person can survive yet another tremendous loss and no have one advocate, one lasting relationship with another soul and still believe that it will get better?  What good is life without another person to share it with?  What meaning can life have when you are crippled by years of experience that not one single soul will remain in your life if you reach out to find new relationship??  I wonder, how can a person have hope in this world when everything seems to point to the coming of Christ before there can ever be lasting love of any kind or even the simple things in life that bring you joy?  I wonder.

Truly the path to heaven in this world can be especially narrow and lonely for some.

I covet your prayers.  God bless.

Sunday, August 5, 2007

I HAVE LEARNED

I HAVE LEARNED

When I was a child, I thought as a child and lived as a child.  Even though I grew up as a Christian from a very young age and I knew that prayer was important, when something bad happened, mama was the one I went to for help.  Just knowing that I could get to her was enough to make me feel confident that I would be safe.

As I grew and my relationship with the Lord matured, I would pray to God when I had a need.  Even though I shared things with my mother because she was the one God appointed to be my authority, God was the one I counted on to hear my prayers and answer them.  Back then, it seemed so effortlessly certain that all I had to do was give it to the Lord and he fixed things.  Maybe it was because my needs were so simple, no matter how big they felt to me.  Maybe it was just that as a child, we are so resilient that things quickly pass by us and we move on so well.

I don't really know why it seemed so simple back then.  All I know is that now as an adult, I have learned a lot of things, good and bad, that help me make the choices I do today.

Sometimes, no matter how much we trust the Lord or how faithful we are, things just don't turn out like we hope.  Even things that seem so certain to be God's will, turn out the way they do because of choices and God is the one who comforts us and helps us through.  Sometimes the loss is so huge, it's only the grace of God that can get us through.

I have learned that there is no balance in the amount of tragedy that people suffer.  For what seems like no obvious reason, some people spend their entire life getting through incredible loss and pain and it has nothing to do with their hope, faith or love for God.  While other people seem to go through life with all the normal fairytale dreams coming true and have no clue what it means to have your heart ripped right out of your chest and survive it.

I have learned that we can pray till our hearts fall out of our chest but if we are praying for something that isn't Gods will, the prayers don't change the way things are and it's just by faith that we are able to get through them all.

I have learned that many people care nothing about justice or what's right and wrong.  You can spend your life living by the golden rule and loving and caring for people and still have them up and walk out of your life with no apparent reason and leave you dumb founded as to why.

I have learned that you can be a good wife, devoted mother and always put your family first but life can change in a second and years of devotion can be wiped out and count for nothing.

I have learned that when we pray, we need to be very careful how we word our prayers because a request to the Lord for some time to yourself can end up being a relentless, mind boggling loneliness that just cripples the heart and not have a soul on earth left in your life.

I have learned that some how, we are expected to completely disregard our emotions and not give any weight to what is going on around us and just be so child like in our faith that all we see and feel is that God is in control.

I have learned that the values I grew up learning and counting on, now play a very little part in how the world deals with you and that living by the truth doesn't always mean things turn out good in the end.

I have learned, that the old expression, I never promised you it would be easy, can be the words you live by today in order to get through, one more day.

Life is not fair or just.  Life does not always mean living but only surviving and getting through it for many.  You can be a taker or a giver in this life but there's one thing that we can all count on to last till the end of time and that is, one day, the Lord will come back, like he promised.  We will all be accountable for what we choose today and on that day, for many of us, the pain and suffering will end. 

I don't believe in the American Dream anymore.  That we live in the home of the free and the brave.  When a child can be ripped out of your life for no good reason and there's nothing you can do about it, that is not freedom.  When you can do everything the good and moral way and yet find yourself divorced having nothing to live on, because your spouse got it all, that's not justice.  When you can dream and care about what really counts, family, friends, honesty and fairness and still loose everything because of the evil in another mans heart, that's not bravery, that's coward ness.

I can only imagine what the Lord will say to each of us on that day thathe holds us accountable for our choices on earth.  All of us will be the same in the sense that we have all sinned and fallen short but the one difference, the one thing that will separate us will be, those who really tried and made mistakes and those who just cared about what they wanted, period.

For today, I will take it one minute at a time and focus on the Lord and what he says to be true and just and not think about how much damage can be done because one person makes a selfish, cruel choice.  For today, I will remember that I am a child of God because I choose to be and if my fate for making that choice is to suffer in this world, then that is tragic and hard to get through but it is, my choice.

Ye though I walk through the valley of death, I will fear no evil.  They rod and thy staff, they comfort me.  Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.

In this world, you will have tribulation but be of good cheer because I have over come the world.

Lord, I pray that your grace and your confort and your strength will go with us all as the world continues to become more and more evil.  I pray for the lonely, the hurt, the sick, the greiving, the hungry, the poor and all that seem to endure hardship on a regular basis and I pray for those who feel they are above your connandments and wrecklessly go through life making choices that cause so much harm.  May we all see our need for you. Help me to keep my eyes on you and not be beaten down by the cruelty in this world.