Saturday, May 26, 2007




Oh how I long for the days of having faith as a child.  The days when it was just as simple and singing,  "Jesus love me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so."  The days when it was as simple as running to my mother with a skinned knee and knowing she had all I needed to make it all better.  That sweet, loving little kiss that just made the whole world right again.

What happened that has caused my heart to grieve so much.  People tell me it's all in God's hands and I know in my heart that it is.  I make a choice every single day of my life to choose God first but the enemy hates me for it.  It makes me a clear target for his fiery darts that pierce my heart and make me feel so much despair and sadness.

The Bible tells us that in this world, we will have tribulation.  It tells us that the road is narrow and long and even though I find comfort in knowing that there is still hope, the daily process of getting through it all is so hard and so draining.

Can it be that I really don't have any faith??  The enemy sure wants me to believe that but then I have to ask myself, if that is true, then why do I keep trussting you God??  The enemy wants me to believe that I am not good enough and that's why my prayers are not answered but if that is true, we all are doomed for hell.

I need that peace that passes all understanding.  I need the encouragement and support that comes from being loved but I do not feel loved.  The Bible tells us not to go on appearances or feelings but that's so hard since God created us with feelings and sense that help us to hear and see and taste and smell and feel.  Oh how I long for the time when my heart could over come all the adversities and still shine, like a ray of sunshine.

Lord God, please do not forget me in all that you are busy with doing.  Please do not turn your ear from me and not hear my prayers.  Please just hold me in the palm of your hands and fill me up with your loving kindness and hope and joy.  Give me the faith to get through all of this and not loose heart.  I feel as though I am sinking but I'm holing onto you with all that I have.  I feel so incredibly sad.  Help me to see myself as you see me and not the way Satan wants me to see myself.  Never good enough, never counting enough to be heard, never having the restoration in my life that is promised by you.

You say in your word that you know your plans for me and they are for good and not for evil.  I pray you bring those plans to light and help me to keep holding fast, to you Lord.




I believe Lord.  No matter what is going on around me, I believe in you.


Saturday, May 19, 2007




Hello everyone.  I finally fixed my journal, dog gone thing.  I woke up this morning, after having horrible nightmares last night.  I dreamed about my daughter and seeing her again.  In my dream, she came to me and she finally told me that the reason for the things she has done lately, it's because the truth is far too painful for her to admit and so she has created her own truth and facts, to keep her life the way she wants.  In that very moment, I realized that I have to accept the truth, the fact that I am completely powerless over my situation and that I have to let it go.

When I woke up, the truth came to me in such a clear way, I felt angry.  I am by no means a perfect person.  I have made so many mistakes in my life but the one thing that I can feel hopeful about is that I have learned from my mistakes and I know I am a better person because of it.




The Bible is so full of scripture about, "TRUTH".  It has been my experience over the years that no matter what I have done, the only way to come to terms with it, heal from it and move on is to face the truth.

Oh how I love that the Lord is so faithful to forgive us and that there is a freedom that comes from being honest with myself and knowing that God, in his mercy and love, forgives me.  I look to him for the direction to be a person I can live with.

1 John 1: 9-10  If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sinsand purify us from all unrighteousness.  If we claim to have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word has no place in our lives.

What a beautiful and powerful truth.  A promise that the Lord gives us to support us in our choice to live by truth and deal with life from that angle. There has been so many times in my life that I have made such huge mistakes, bad choices, I felt completely powerless to ever make things right again.  The truth is, I am powerless without the promises of God and I in my own self, can not do anything without him.  If God be for us, who can be against us??  That is a powerful statement but it's in the word of God and it is my comfort and the peace to live my life by truth and trust him for the rest.




Some people can never come to terms with the truth.  Some people hide behind lies and fabricated truths in order to deal with their choices without having to be honest about them.  The thing is, none of us are perfect, none of us travel on this road of life making the best choices.  All of us have secretes that we would never reveal to another soul.  In the same respect, all of us have things in our life that we think about, that come back to haunt us, that limit our ability to move on. 

Why is it that we are so much harder on ourselves than God is on us??  Why is it that we feel that there is a limit to what we can be forgiven for, by others or even ourselves??  Why do we put limits on God like that??

John 8: 32  You will know the truth and the truth will set you free.

I love this scripture.  Jesus was actually directing this comment to the Jews.  He was talking to them about living by his word.  He was telling them that if we just live by his word and know the truth, come to terms with the truth, it will set us free.

I know what it is like to have made such a bad choice, I felt like I could never ever tell the truth and bring it all to light.  The power that the lies have over us is crippling.  I've experienced it first hand and it's by that experience that I have learned to just be who I am and be up front and honest from the start.  Oh there is a price to pay.  In the world that we live in today, if we are open and honest, it can bring such harsh judgment and ridicule from society.  The world has this idea of what we are allowed to do and say and be and if we don't fall into that image, we become out casts, freaks, shunned by others.

I guess this is such an important subject for me because the things in my life that have become such tragedies to live with are things that are dealt with in lies and deception instead of just admitting that we are human and we do make huge mistakes, people create truths that they can live with.  The situation with my daughter is so heavy on my heart all the time, it just breaks my heart.  I have always taught my children to be honest and deal with things in that manner and everything else will fall into place.  My daughter doesn't choose to do that.  My daughter is not saved and therefore, she does not know that there is a freedom in having a relationship with the Lord and that he is the only one who has the right to judge us, forgive us, punish us.  I'm so sad about that but I love her.  I love her so much that I will continue to pray for her.  I know that she is deceived and believes that if I know the truth, if she speaks it out loud, I would never forgive her.  I pray one day that she will see beyond the lies and she will remember how much this mother loves her and has been there for her all her life.  I pray that one day she will realize that there is nothing she can ever do to change how much I love her.  I pray that one day, she will have the confidence in knowing that a mother's love, never ever fades for her child.


Philippians 4: 8  Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable ----- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy  -- think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from the Lord or seen in him -- put it into practice and the God of peace will be with you.




God bless




God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.




Saturday, May 5, 2007


Good morning, been a while since I have made an entry in my journal.  I've been so down and discouraged trying to get through the absence of my daughter in my life.  Although I am a Christian, it does not take away the pain in my heart.  Being a Christian, just gives you all the things that you need to get through it all.  A hope in something better.  A promise that there is someone greater than this world, who is in control of everything and that peace that passes all understanding is mine and yours, forever and ever.

For the past week, I've been woken by the sound of the birds in my tree.  In the wee hours of the morning, I hear them busy, talking about their day ahead of them and getting prepared for it.  The one thing that crossed my mind is, when, when did these tiny little creatures start getting up in the middle of the night to prepare for their day??  It use to be, years ago when I was a little girl, I would hear the birds in the morning when the sun was coming up and I knew that it was about 6 in the morning.  Years later, when everything has changed, even the tiny little creatures of this world are effected by it all and having to start their day much earlier to get everything done.  Just something to think about.



I often hear it said, " That was then and this is now, the world has changed ".  I think about that because it seems to be the greatest excuse for people who have decided to take things into their own hands and go on emotion instead of wisdom and good values.  The world is changing and people are mostly the ones who are responsible for the change.  Some of it is good change but a lot of it is not.




Use to be that our laws for this land were governed by the scripture and everything had it's divine order and made sense.  As time has gone on, people find that they can get away with things they shouldn't and that grey area in life seems to be what is taking over in this world.  If you don't go with the flow, you become the freak, the outcast, the one who has some how becomeold or ignorant or just don't count.



I am as human as any one person in this world.  Have all the feelings and emotions and dreams and desires as anyone else.  I stand back and watch people justify their behavior based on their emotions and needs and take it all into their own hands.  The crippling situation of being alone and not having anyone to share your life with is the greatest struggle of my life and yet, until God opens the right door for me and I can go through it with the pureness of heart and obedience to his will, I too know the struggle of being alone.  Seems like it's impossible to find true love these days unless you are willing to take part in the sin that has plagued our country with immoral sex and no respect for God's will.  Still, I am hopeful that God will bless my obedience and one day, open that door for me again with someone who loves the Lord and values his word like I do.  Long for the simplicity of love, the way God intended it to be.




The Bible says that in the last days, men will become lovers of themselves, greedy, corrupted.  The evidence is all around us no matter where we live.  Can't turn on the news without hearing about murder, hate, crime.  Society fights to take Christian stations off the air and yet, wants to give rights to people who step outside of the commandments of God and have rights in the process.

There's just so much to think about but nothing is a surprise to those who know the word of God and understand what is happening in this world.  We all seem to think we are immune to it all until something happens and it becomes a reality in our own lives.



Every day is a new challenge to be that person that God has called me to be.  Every day is an endless effort to be accountable before God for my behavior and set an example and be a light to the world.  All of us go through the same struggles.  All of us have a choice as to what we choose and which direction in life we take.  The one thing that seems to elude so many is the reality that one day, we will all be accountable for what we do today and we will stand before God and he will be our judge.

No matter if we choose to believe that or not, it's a truth that we can not escape.  God is a loving and tender, caring God but he also is very true to his word and his commandments for us.  It's our choice today but one day, it will be God's judgement and final say..

Just something to think about.  Just the truth and a message that we all need to hear and know.  One day, the Lord will come back, just like he promised.  One day, all the hurt and sorrows of this world will be over for so many of us.  One day, there will be joy and happiness.  What we do today, will be our life sentence for tomorrow.  What will you choose??

Prayer -----  Dear Lord, thank you for your ever lasting love, compassion, comfort and wisdom.  Give me oh Lord, the faith to get through today and make the right choices.  Help me to be that light in this world that you desire me to be and encourage my heart to continue to love the un lovable, the unreachable and lost and confused. Please watch over my children and protect them from every evil weapon formed against them.  I give you all glory and honor, always.  Amen.