Oh how I long for the days of having faith as a child. The days when it was just as simple and singing, "Jesus love me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so." The days when it was as simple as running to my mother with a skinned knee and knowing she had all I needed to make it all better. That sweet, loving little kiss that just made the whole world right again.
What happened that has caused my heart to grieve so much. People tell me it's all in God's hands and I know in my heart that it is. I make a choice every single day of my life to choose God first but the enemy hates me for it. It makes me a clear target for his fiery darts that pierce my heart and make me feel so much despair and sadness.
The Bible tells us that in this world, we will have tribulation. It tells us that the road is narrow and long and even though I find comfort in knowing that there is still hope, the daily process of getting through it all is so hard and so draining.
Can it be that I really don't have any faith?? The enemy sure wants me to believe that but then I have to ask myself, if that is true, then why do I keep trussting you God?? The enemy wants me to believe that I am not good enough and that's why my prayers are not answered but if that is true, we all are doomed for hell.
I need that peace that passes all understanding. I need the encouragement and support that comes from being loved but I do not feel loved. The Bible tells us not to go on appearances or feelings but that's so hard since God created us with feelings and sense that help us to hear and see and taste and smell and feel. Oh how I long for the time when my heart could over come all the adversities and still shine, like a ray of sunshine.
Lord God, please do not forget me in all that you are busy with doing. Please do not turn your ear from me and not hear my prayers. Please just hold me in the palm of your hands and fill me up with your loving kindness and hope and joy. Give me the faith to get through all of this and not loose heart. I feel as though I am sinking but I'm holing onto you with all that I have. I feel so incredibly sad. Help me to see myself as you see me and not the way Satan wants me to see myself. Never good enough, never counting enough to be heard, never having the restoration in my life that is promised by you.
You say in your word that you know your plans for me and they are for good and not for evil. I pray you bring those plans to light and help me to keep holding fast, to you Lord.
I believe Lord. No matter what is going on around me, I believe in you.