Wednesday, April 18, 2007


Hello everyone.  Been a while since I've written in my journal.  I came on to talk about my daughter but it would appear that my last entry was about her too so maybe I will just chat for a little bit.

Been thinking about the horrible thing that happened in Virginia.  I saw that on the news and just broke down and cried.  I guess it's because it was such a senseless and horrible thing to have happen and each person who died, has their very own tragedy and loss and story.  The news chases a story like that and before you know it, every single news station, radio, newspaper, media there is, has their own take on the events and what they want to get out.

My heart goes out to every single life that it has touched.  Even the parents of the student who killed all those people, how incredibly sad that must be for them personally.  I know what it's like to wake up one day and everything seems fine and the next minute, your whole life is shattered because of some senseless act by someone who does not have the love of God in their hearts.  I pray for all of those people and the people who see it and hear about it that the Lord would just cover them with his love and compassion and strength and lift them above all the things in this world and give them the peace that passes all understanding.  I pray that the Lord would begin to work a healing in their hearts and that he could use this tragedy to bring people closer to him and the wisdom that comes in making a personal choice to have the Lord in their lives and guiding their every step, would be given to all.

It's clear to me that Satan has his target set on our children.  It's clear to me that there is nothing he won't use to destroy their lives, our families and even our hope.

We all seem to know that to some degree but it takes on a whole new meaning when it's a personal tragedy in which your very own child is a victim.   Even though my daughter is not dead, she is gone from my life as though the world just opened up and swallowed her up.  There is not a day that goes by that I do not think of her.  There is not a day that goes by that I do not miss her.  There is not a day that goes by that I don't feel her or long to have her in my life again or pray for a miracle.

We need to be faithful to pray for our children and our families because that is where Satan finds his hold on us and does so much damage to our lives.  I've been in such a funk lately and I felt like I've said it all to God and he just isn't listening or doing anything.  I thought, it's ok to not talk to God because I've said it all and there's nothing left to say.  Satan loved that and I started feeling the separation from God and I do not like that at all.  So I just tell God, I need you Lord.  When I don't know what else to say, when I don't feel like praising him or feel the joy in my heart, the one thing that never ever stops is my need for the Lord.

I pray that people who read this will know how important it is to keep their relationship with God alive, even when they don't feel him.  The fact remains, God never leaves us nor forsakes us and he is the saving grace and hope we all need.

To those of you who know what it's like to loose a child for any reason or in any way, my heart goes out to you.  I encourage you to turn to the Lord and just let him hold you in his loving arms and heal your hearts.  The world lacks way too much love.  We need to love each other and encourage each other and lift each other up and never ever forget who is in control.  God bless you all.  Please keep praying for my daughter.  I miss her so and to those people who lost their child in this horrible killing spree in Virginia, God bless you.  Most humbly.


Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the ungodly for he shall be like the tree that is planted by the water. 




They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings as eagles.  They shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.  Teach me Lord to wait.



Monday, April 9, 2007




Today I miss my daughter so much, I almost can't stand it.  Last night I woke up several times during the night and she was the first thing on my mind.  I kept trying to understand why it seems that she just popped into my head like that but I guess there really doesn't have to be a specific reason.  She's my little girl and I raised her all her life and now she is gone and I'm missing hours, days, weeks, months, without her.

Emily was always the one who brought so much sunshine to the holidays and made everything feel better.  She always was so excited about special occasions and made them feel special with her fire for life and such.

Yesterday was my first Easter without her.  I thought about her all day long and wondered if she was thinking of me.  It's like grieving a dath only she's still alive. 

I tried to stay busy but everything I did just reminded me of her.  It's been 74 days since she left.  I wonder what that is to the Lord??  A blink, a yawn, how long does that feel to him??  To me, it feels like too long, an eternity.  I miss her in the morning and the evening and during the day and I just genuinely miss her.

I've been in a funk lately because I just don't know what to say to God anymore.  I don't want this to be another one of those things where I just swallow the hurt and learn to live with it.  I don't want this to be for good and miss the rest of these wonderful years with her.  I don't want to wake up tomorrow and not have her to go wake up or give lunch money too or talk about her plans for the day.  I just want her back.

I was reading in Romans 12 about how we are to behave and not become a part of the world.  Not be transformed by the world but be transformed by the renewing of our minds and hearts when they are set on the Lord.

Maybe I should have done things differently.  Maybe I should have sat on the information I had and just tried to find a way to reach her without her knowing what I did.  I was afraid.  I was afraid that the guy she was seeing would put her in another dangerous situation and I just didn't want to take that risk.  Now, I realize that if she was willing to have an abortion to keep him with her, then it was already too late and there was nothing I could say or do.

I don't know the answers.  If I knew the answers I would not be living this situation.  I just want her home again.  I want the restoration and the relationship and her presence in my life again.  I don't know what to do.  Feels like I should be doing something but I don't know what that something should be.

Oh please pray, pray that she would want to come home.  That she misses me and that she just wants to come home and work things out.  I don't want this to be it and right now, I can't figure out why others have left my life and there has been no restoration but yet I should believe that there will be this time.  I just miss her and that's what I know and I don't know where to go from here.  Please keep us in your prayers.  There is no greater loss than the loss of a child and only a mothers heart can truly understand the pain.

I just want my baby back home with me.  I need a miracle.  Lord, please give me a miracle.




Emily I miss you.  I always miss you.

Sunday, April 8, 2007


On a hill far away, stood an old rugged cross, the emblem of suffering and shame.  And I love that old cross, where the dearest and best, for a world of lost sinners was slain.  Yes I'll cherish the old rugged cross, where my burdens at last I lay down,  I will cling to the old rugged cross, and exchange it one day for a crown.



There he is, our precious Lord and Savior, hanging on the cross, beaten, mocked, shamed, tortured for us.  Blameless, sinless, perfect in every deed and yet, he loved us, loves us, so much that he died that horrible death, so that you and I might have eternal life.  So that we can have the hope and confidence in knowing that there is something better for all of us, one day.  All we have to do is accept Jesus as our personal Savior, ask him into our hearts and believe.  When we do, then the gift of eternal life is ours because he died for you and me.


It really happened folks.  The clouds grew dark over the sky and our Savior hung on that cross until he died a most agonizing death.  Imagine what went through the minds of the people who loved him and stood there and watched it all come to pass.  Imagine how heart breaking it had to of been, to know that he was suffering so much and no one could do a thing to help him.  Oh, if people only understood how very real and very profound this act of love was, that he showed for you and me.


Can you imagine the head lines today, if it was this present time that he chose to die??  It was recorded and it is a part of history and yet there are those who choose not to think about it, not give him the place he deserves in their lives.  I can only imagine how that must feel to him.



On that third day, he did rise from the grave and he is living today, among you and I.

I serve a risen Savior, he's in the world today.  I know that he is living no matter what men say.  I see his hand of mercy, I hear is voice of cheer and just the time I need him, he's always near.  He lives, He lives, Christ Jesus lives today.  He walks with me and talks with me, no matter what they say.  He lives, he lives, he lives within my heart.  You ask me how I know he lives, he lives, within my heart.


Thank you most humbly Lord for the sacrifice you made for me.  Thank you Lord that even though I am a sinner, I am forgiven because you love me.  Thank you for the hope you bring, the comfort you give and that life that is in you.  Thank you for loving me.


Happy Easter to everyone.  I hope this page blesses you.  God bless you always.




John 3:16  For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son that who so ever believes in him will not perish but have ever lasting life. 


Monday, April 2, 2007



Hello everyone.  I was thinking tonight, when I saw this picture, what an awesome God we serve.  I think about how much time has gone by and my daughter is still gone, still angry, still not having anything to do with me.  To me, that seems like an eternity and it really does hurt my heart.  I think about what it would be like to go through this without the Lord and I can not imagine facing a single day.  He is so big, so awesome, he actually created this incredible sunset and made this lake.  His mind and his thoughts go far beyond anything we can grasp or imagine.  I think about how amazing he is and then, I realize just how small my problem is, in his eyes.  I know that he is working and that he has a plan.  I know that he watches over my little girl, even when I can't even know if she is doing without.

I know that there is nothing I can do but I also know, I have the power of prayer, the gift of turning to the Lord and having faith that all is well.  Some days it feels like it's impossible to do that because I miss her so much and the days are just passing by.  Then, he just lifts me up, above everything and I find that peace that passes understanding.

I don't know what will happen in the future but I do know that God has the future in his hands.  I haven't done anything that I need to correct or apologize for and so I just continue to trust God and hope and believe the best.  I keep asking the Lord to show me my heart and I continue to obey his word and remain humble before him.

Today was an ok day.  Of course I think about my daughter, many many times a day but, today, it was just ok to get through it, be able to eat ok and not feel such tremendous pain.

Life's problem can really get us down, bring us to our knees, disappoint us, break our hearts, take our minds off of the Lord and onto our situations but, when we get back on track and get things back into focus, we find that God is still in control, still there waiting for us to go to him and he holds the answers to everything, in his word.

If you feel like it's just too much to deal with, remember how awesome our God is.  If you feel doubt and fear and worry, resist the enemy and he will flee.  Cast your cares upon the Lord for he cares for you.

They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings as eagles.  They shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.

Lord, I pray for everyone who might read this that you bless them in a mighty way and they would purpose in their hearts to trust you and know that all things do work together for good for those who love the Lord and live according to his will.

God bless you all.  Please keep praying for my daughter and me and I will continue to pray for you.