Tuesday, March 27, 2007

LORD, DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU

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Oh Lord, how broken you must have felt on this night when you were pouring out your heart to God, our Heavenly Father.  I've not even had a glimpse of the tragedy you must have felt in your heart and yet, some how I know the despair you felt. I have tasted such tragedies.  I drank from the cup of sorrow many times, brokenness, pain.

How humble and broken and yet convicted and focused you were on this night when you knew your fate and yet, in your obedience, you set your heart on God's will.

I know, maybe not like you felt it but maybe I do, feel that pain in your soul.  Do you know how much I love you?  I know you can see in my heart and I know that it's only because I am being obedient to you, the awesome, magnificant, wonderful, amazing father that you are.  My heart feels beyond broken Lord. What is that called when you feel like this?  I know you understand.  I know you are touched by my grief because you understand how this feels to me.  My baby is gone.  I feel so much like I failed her sometimes.  This sweet little ball of energy who's sunshine and smile lit any dim room.  I had to leave her God and you know how that tore my heart out but I had no choice.  You know my children went with me every single day I had to leave them behind and broke my heart.  There was nothing else I could do.  I let them down but not by my own choice of lack of effort or neglect.

Lord, you get to see her everyday.  I'm trusting you to take care of her for me and keep her in your loving arms.  You see how that is effecting me.  I'm trying so hard and if it were not for you, there's no way I could make it.

I had my time to be young and enjoy life and even though I'm not very old, I would give my life so that both of my children can be alright.  That they could come to know you personally and find true salvation in you.

Some days I feel like I can't even get out of bed but I do.  I have too because there is not one soul, left in my life, that would lift a finger to help me.  No one does lift a finger to help me other than the encouragement I have gotten from my Christian friends.  Then there's Craig, who after all these years, he still comes to check on me.  That man truly loves me and I know it and I am thankful that you still allow us to have a friendship.  Thank you for sending him to me last night.  For his kind heart, his listening ear, his gentle, encouraging, loving heart towrds me.  I ask you to bless him for his kind heart towards me and for never letting me feel forgotten.

I'm just so sad.  I trust you and I know you know that I do, otherwise, this would not even be happeing but Lord, it's getting through the days that just break me and I long to have her with me again.  I'm trying so hard God but this is huge. Even though the world tells me that this is what happens at this age, it's not ok with me. I agree with what you said to our heavenly father on that night that you prayed.  Not my will but yours be done.

Please just keep me in your loving arms and help me.  I'm so incredibly sad, all I know to do is curl up with you and open my heart because I trust you.  Because you never leave me nor forsake me.  Because you Lord, you are the living miracle in my life.

I love you Lord.  With all my heart and soul and mind I love you. I want to be that light that stands out in this evil world but it's so hard to be this sad.  Please, keep my baby safe, my hope is in you.

 

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Sunday, March 25, 2007

TRIBULATION/GETTING THROUGH IT

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Hello everyone, I haven't written in my journal for a few days because quite honestly, it's just been one of those weeks where all I could do is curl up with the Lord and hope and pray and try to get through everything.

I keep running into people who have their own views on how everything is effecting me over this situation with my daughter.  Some people tell me I'm not trusting the Lord enough or don't have enough faith or lacking something that is causing me to not get through this with a smile on my face and a dance in my heart.  That frustrates me to no end because these people do not know how this feels to me.

The scripture tells us that in this world, you will have tribulations but be of good cheer because God has over come the world.  The suffering and pain that people go through is real and goes very deep.  It's the very heart of God that I have that has caused this to all be so painful because if my heart did not go deep, there would be no pain, no compassion, no sorrow.

I know that my only hope to get through it all is my faith in God and my trust in him.  I tell you very frankly that if it were not for God, I would not have survived this long.  My faith is all that keeps me going.  My hope is all that keeps me going.  My trust in God is the only thing that makes it possible for me not to just give up and die, that's how painful it all feels to me.

I'm  not one of those moms who had a whole other life outside of my children and just expect them to get through life.  My children became my life when my marriage broke up and they were all I had left.  I could have chosen to find more for me to fill the emptiness and void that one feels when they loose their mate.  I could have been one of those people who went out dating and looking to fill that emptiness, I just chose not too.

I'm not saying that is a bad thing and I'm certainly not judging people who choose to replace their lost mates right away.  I'm simply saying that I had been married long enough that when it was over, I had more than I could possibly do well with just raising my children and trying to be there for them.  It's lonely but it's ok because from my perspective, they lost so much, it was and is my joy to restore as much as I humanly can to their lives so that they can grow and become productive,healthy people.

The world looks at me like I'm a freak.  All the time I spent struggling to over come the mess that my husband left me in, took away from my free time to enjoy friends or make new ones or have a life of my own.  People, people I trusted without thought, walked away or even more, pretended to be someone I could trust only to betray me again.  I don't know what that is all about other than maybe I just need to be satisfied with my choice to focus on my children and not need anyone else but God.  I don't know the answer to that but maybe some day I will.

For now, my focus is on getting through this situation with my daughter and trying not to feel beaten down by well meaning people who say such things as, my faith is lacking or I'm not praying enough or there's un confessed sin in my life or something.  I know those things are not true.  The Lord searches my heart every single day and when he finds something that is not pleasing to him, he shows it to me and I do my best to correct it.

The pain is real, crippling sometimes.  My little girl is out in this wicked, self demanding, sinful world without the counsel of her mother and that is extremely painful to a mothers heart.  I pray for her every single day, many times a day.  I start my day with a prayer and go through the day with pray and end it with prayer.  Not my will but yours be done.

Still, the days go by and I know nothing about my daughter who just two months ago, was living in my home with me and checking in with me a few times a day and being a part of my life.  I come home and she isn't here.  I open the door to her room and it's empty.  I make dinner and it's just me to feed and I wonder if she is getting enough to eat.  The phone doesn't ring and her on the other end, telling me where she is or what she is doing.  I don't lock the door at night and know she is inside safe with me, she's out in the world doing only God knows what.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil for thou art with me.  You think about that.  It doesn't say that because I trust the Lord that there will be no valleys of death.  It says that psalmist is walking through a valley of death.  He just chooses to believe that God is with him and hoping for the best because God is with him.

God has not left me, I know that.  God is simply going through this valley with me.  I can not say the whole thing has been a loss.  God has taught me so much and my faith has grown and I'm getting to know him better every single day but the pain is real.

Everyday without her is another day I have lost.  Every night that I sleep and she is not safely tucked into bed in the next room, is a night I toss and turn and worry about her.  All our plans for her car and learning to drive and picking a college and turning 18, those are gone.  Maybe God will be able to reach her before she is old enough to really be on her own or maybe it will take years and years, who knows?

I guess my point is this.  I have experienced enough things in my life that just happened because of someone else's choice to listen to the wrong voice that I know that we as Christians can have our lives torn apart.  Can walk through the valley of death, can find ourselves completely alone, without a choice.  My heart goes out to those people because no matter how much we want to help them, God is the only one who is in control.  We can encourage them and direct them to the Lord and have compassion and cry with them and hope with them and pray with them but we can not possibly step into their hearts and judge how they should feel if they are trusting God.  Each of us finds our own measure of pain that is overwhelming to the point of bitter despair.  Each of us can find ourselves in situations that completely consume us and all we can do is throw ourselves at the mercy of God and pray to get through it and become a better person having experienced it.  None of us have the right to measure another person's faith or trust in God just because their pain cripples them.

Speak the truth of comfort in him and love in him and hope in him and trust in him.  Pray for the strength that person needs to face it.  God wants our heart to be compassionate and loving and the very heart of God knows grief like none of us have ever seen because we can't see it all, be everywhere, know everything.  God takes it on every minute of everyday with millions of people who are deeply hurt and struggling.  To have a heart like God, to know the heart of God, that was the prayer that I had been praying before this happened.  I was looking for compassion and love and forgiveness and all the things God tells us we should have for each other.  It seemed to have eluded me that I would have to experience such grief in my own life to understand the heart of God.

I'm just venting because I am frustrated and because maybe, someone will read this and see in themselves, something that causes more pain for a brother or sister, than does good.  Maybe it will help educate someone to the very fact that our hearts must be compassionate and loving towards other. Encouraging in all ways, loving, humble and praying that if God brings us to someone in my situation, maybe our prayers should be, God, show me how to help this person and love them through this.

In the mean time, my little girl is still gone.  The people around her are not Godly people and they think as the world thinks and advise her about me with absolutely no personal knowledge of who I am.  Accuse me of being some kind of freak because I am a Christian and weak.  I live without her, long for her and pray for her and it's been 50 days today.  In the eyes of the Lord that may be a blink but in the heart of a mother, it's an eternity.  Just something to think about.

I hope that this does not offend anyone becaues that is not my intention.  Just something I feel I need to speak out about.  We are to be a light to the world and not someone who causes more discouragement.  The church is already under attack because of people who blend into the world so perfectly but go to church on Sunday.  I want to be that light, what ever it may cost me, I want to be that light, even while struggling through everything.  May the love of God be your guiding light for others.  God bless. 

 

Mark 18: 27  For with God, all things are possible.

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Saturday, March 17, 2007

TRUSTING GOD

My Hope is in you Lord

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My aunt use to say it all the time. " Just put it in the hands of the Lord and trust him."   I don't remember a time when I went to her and asked her how she gets through her pain and hard days, without her saying that very thing to me.  It's such an interesting, captivating phrase of words because that is what I have always tried to do.  As I look back now, I realize how many times I had my own idea of what God would want in a certain situation and that is how I would pray. Even with all the Biblical training I have had in my life time, I thought that I was doing the right thing.  It's weird because all the information, wisdom, knowledge that we need is right there in his book but yet, sometimes, I can read a scripture I have known all my life and find a new, deeper meaning to it.

I woke up this morning thinking about my daughter.  That isn't unusual if you consider that for the past four nights, the night mares have returned and I just can't sleep.  I thought, Lord, it's morning and the sun is shining and I have to face another day.  I'm thinking about my daughter, where she might be, what she might be doing, if she is hungry or unhappy or being treated right.  I was quickly reminded of how helpless I am in the whole situation, powerless to do anything.  I went through all the possibilities in my mind but then once again, I came to the same conclusion, she isn't with me because she doesn't want to be.  She isn't with me because the world has gone stupid in the way it deals with the issues with children and instead of making things better, the laws of man have made it so that a young, rebellious teenager can just choose not to listen and the law gives them the right to make that choice.  They step in and say, at 16, just leave home against your parents best judgment and we will protect you from them being able to bring you back.  Just go out and make decisions about your medical treatment, without your parents knowledge and we will treat you.  Just go out and do anything you think is right at such a very young, innocent age and the law will protect you. 

It makes me sick that I am a Christian and I am led to make my choices according to God's will and yet a complete stranger can step in and take over my children.  It makes me angry that I know my child better than anyone and yet I have no resources to turn too when her rebellion takes over and I can notimplement strong discipline.  It makes me angry that there is nothing in this world set up for the single mother who's heart stays with her children every single day, even though she has to go off to work and hope that her children will make good choices.

I miss my daughter.  I miss her more than anything in this world and she's right around the corner, living with her adult boyfriend and yet, my only choice to get her out of that situation is to put her in a group home some place because I do not have the time or the ability to give her what she needs.  No matter where my heart is in all of this, it seems to count for nothing because the " World, Man", steps in and tells me what my choices are.

I have always read in the word of God that in the last days, things like this will happen.  It's not just me, I am not an isolated case, there are millions out there with the same problems.  It seems completely hopeless and impossible to be able to do anything because of how our government runs our country now but it isn't impossible.  I have in me, the greatest power that has ever lived, that is the power of JESUS, who lovingly and compassionately, sees me through each day and reminds me of the hope that is in him.  If I did not have the Lord, I would die of a broken heart and that's for certain.

When I was a little girl growing up, I use to sing this song in church, Oh Lord you know, I have no friend like you, if heaven's not my home, then Lord what will I do, the angels beckon me from heaven's open door and I can't feel at home in this world anymore."

That's how I feel.  I feel like a displaced alien in a world that's gone mad and don't even know who I can really trust in this world but I trust the Lord with all my heart and soul and mind.  He is the one I run too first.  He is the only I talk too a million times a day, even if it's just to remind me how much I love him or that my hope is in him.  Outside of that, especially after the experiences I have had in the last year, I don't see anything good in this world that I want to be a part of.

Maybe happiness will come when I least expect it.  That could be at any given time because I do not believe that happiness exists in this world any longer.  I believe that the plans that God has for me will be in Heaven but I could be wrong. The only time I feel true happiness, happiness that I can trust and believe in, it'swhen I know I am doing God's will and in obedience to him.  The joy of the Lord is my strength.

So, this is just a huge conglomeration of thoughts and feels that people will pass by and not be interested in enough to respond too.  My journal rarely gets commented on but I still feel that the Lord has put it on my heart to write in it and so I do.  I see the hits on my counter but no replies.  Sometimes when we realize something or something touches us, we just keep it to ourselves because we don't feel our thoughts matter but they do.  They matter to any good Christian brother or sister you come into contact with.  They matter to God and they matter to you or you wouldn't think them up.

I personally have made a choice to be alone and not invite another stranger into my life.  I personally have decided that there is not many people in this world that really care a thing in this world about me and so why bother.  I personally have decided that I have the right to choose and this is my choice but, when I come into contact with a stranger who needs prayer, I pray for them.  When I pass by a stranger on the street and the Lord touches my heart over that person, I stop and pray for them.  I try to share any experience  have had with other who are hurting and going through similar situations but when it comes to opening my heart and letting anyone else in on a personal level, that place is already taken and full.  The Lord holds my heart and my hope and my trust and all my cares and that's the safest, only person I have found that will not leave, ever.

So, today I go through another day without my daughter.  Today, my best friend, Jesus, will comfort my heart and guide me through the day and be my companion.  Today, I will get through the 42 day without my little girl with me and I will manage because God is the great healer.

I found this scripture this week in James.  I've known it all my life and read it many times but this week, it really touched my heart in such a deep way that I will print it out and frame it in my house because it reflects one of my greatest weaknesses.

James 1:19, Wherefore my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak and slow to wrath.

May God bless you today and always.

 

Emily, I love you.  I love you and I miss you and I am sorry that I fail so many times at what the Lord instructs us in his word but I am trying.  I am always trying to do  better.             

 

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Thank you my sweet friend for the graphic.  I love you.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Run To Me

RUN TO ME

 

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Isn't this the sweetest, most calming picture?  The Lord, waiting, with his hands stretched out to us, inviting us to come to him.  There are so many scriptures in the Bible that tells us about the Lord.  He is a jealous God and he wants us to go to him, first, before anyone else and cast our cares upon him.  I could give you scripture, there are so many but instead of that, I think I will just tell you what I know and if you so desire, you sure can leave me a question and I will be happy to answer it the best I can, with his word.

So many times in my life, things have happened that only God could help me with.  We all know that because even people who don't claim to be Christians or serve the Lord in any way, when they find themselves broken, beaten down, they cry out to him.

I am guilty. I can't count the times when, even though I knew I needed to take my issues to the Lord, I went to that one other person first.  Maybe my best friend, husband, pastor in my church but always seemed to go to someone else before the Lord.

Now I know how he felt.  I felt it when I realized that my daughter goes to someone else before me.  She claims that she can't trust me but really, I think it's just that she can't trust herself and Satan steps in and lies to her and tells her she can't trust me.  Gosh, if she couldn't trust me, all of these latest things that have happened to her, that I have found out about, I would have known long ago and maybe before things got this out of wack.

It wasn't that I purposely put God second, it's just human nature to go to someone that is physically there first.  All of that has changed for me now.  I tell him everything first and even though I do have to talk to people outside of him, he knows that he is the one I trust, he is the one I run too, he is my very best friend.

In return, I am his friend too.  So loved and cared for that no matter how things appear or seem to be happening, I have absolute confidence that he is in my corner, working on the things in my heart and planning it all out.  He puts me first because I put him first.

I got to see my daughter today.  The most unexpected thing that could have happened but I did.  She's sick, away from home, very poor and before she could even try to ask for help, I offered.  What a privilege to be able to help her.  I took her to the doctor, even had a bit of a chance to talk to her but the Lord lead my every word so it was not what I wanted her to know that I said, it was what they Lord wanted her to hear.

She left the doctors office without me.  Still angry, sick, run down, confused, upset, not doing too well but, I got to tell her I love her and that is worth everything to me.  I know the Lord is working.  I know it before I even see any evidence of it because that's his promise to me and I trust him with all my heart, soul and mind.  It's amazing that even through all the tears and suffering, I still know that God is in control and I do not worry about anything.  Sometimes I have to question myself to make sure I remember that I have a little girl out there in this big cruel world.  Then, I remember, I am trusting someone so awesome, there's not one single doubt in my mind if he will let me down. His word is perfect and his promises true as can be.  He loves me.

Sometimes I think I should stop doing my journal.  I have thought about it in the past, even did for a short time. Seems by the few replies I get that no one really cares much about it but, I feel in my heart that God wants me to write here and so I do.

I hope and pray that anyone who reads this knows how much God cares for you.  I hope and pray with all my heart that if you are hurting, lonely, lost and confused, you know that you can talk to the Lord at any time and he is there for you.  He is on call 24/7 and believe me when I tell you, your cares touch his heart and he waits for you to come to him.

I will trust the Lord at all time, his praise will always be in my mouth.  God bless you.

 

Sunday, March 11, 2007

My Best Friend

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Lord, thank you.  Thank you for stopping what you were doing today and coming to be with me, while my daughter moved out of our home.  Everyone else is so far away and there wasn't anyone I could call on to come physically be here but you came and I thank you.  You sent me such a beautiful day, felt the sunshine on my face and worked in my garden, two of my most favorite things.  That is how much you care for me.

As I prayed and talked to you, I know you heard every single word I said.  I know because you came right inside my heart and saw it crying, I felt your heart crying too.  Thank you that you know my heart.  Thank you that you love me so much that you have allowed me to go through such great suffering over the years and changed my heart through it all, to be able to feel and understand the great sorrow that you go through each day.  Now I know, I said Lord, make me more like you and so you started with my heart and have shown me the tremendous sadness that you feel everyday.  I am blessed that I have you, otherwise, this heart of mine might have become bitter and cruel and I know that is not what you want from me.

Because of you, I do believe in Love and you are right, it is our greatest gift.  To love and to be loved is what makes this world a better place but only when it's the love you designed and not this sick worlds idea of self gain and satisfaction.  Thank you for telling me what love really is and for taking the time to show me.

My heart is breaking inside but in your mercy, I feel nothing right now except numb.  I know you see that I need a break from the pain and I thank you.  I know there will be plenty of times that the pain will hit me like waves and I look forward to being able to turn to you first and count on you because you do not forsake those of us who call upon you.

I wish I had an earthly daddy, I hope that does not offend you but after all, that is how your perfect design was meant to be.  Inside, there's always a little girl in us who wants and needs to be held and loved and comforted, one day, I know you will give me someone that you hand picked, to be here for me.  Until then, you will do just fine, besides, it gives me lots and lots of practice to run to you first, like I should no mater what.  Now I know how you feel when I have many times gone to someone else before going to you.  I felt it when I realized that my daughter chose someone else to go too and they gave her bad advice and now she is hurt inside.  I know you see it because you see everything and as her mother, I know it's there.  A great deal of hurt in her heart, buried so deep that it doesn't show to the rest of the world.

 

I thought that I was doing the right thing by putting my life down for my little girl.  Seemed so right at the time but now I see, I had to let her go, give her to you and let go.  I'm glad it's you Lord because Satan is so cruel and deceitful, only you are strong enough to over come him.  So I know that she is in good hands and you see the faith in my heart that made it possible to take such a huge step.  I know you will honor me as I honor you.

I love my little girl.  No matter what anyone says, including her, I love her with all my heart but just think, you love her more.  That's so cool because it's like having an invisible bodyguard, going everywhere with her and protecting her.  Thank you for doing that for me.

So here I am, left with all this emptiness in my heart and my home.  It's really strange because it doesn't feel as bad as I thought it would but then, this is just the first day and you know what a burst of sunshine she was here.

Remember when the truck pulled away the first time?  Remember how my heart leaped out of my chest and went with her?  My heart is truly with her even now.  That's my baby.  The one that everyone said I wouldn't be able to carry full term. The one who almost killed us both when she decided to come so early.  Remember, I told the doctors to save her if they had to choose.  You were there on that day too.

I don't feel very good physically God.  It's been so hard to find the energy to eat and take care of myself and it's taken it's toll on me.  It's not that I don't trust you Lord, I do.  I'm just so incredibly sad and don't really want to feel more energy because it supplies more life to this broken heart of mine and I just feel most lost.  Does that make sense to you Lord?  Please, help me to live through this and be a light to others.  Not just exist through it but to live and let my light shine for you.

There's so many people in this world who are hurting, I am not singled out because Satan hates your children and you know that.  You are the one who loved us all enough to tell us.. If I can find the strength to move forward into what ever it is you have for me next and do it with power and faith, then maybe someone else can find the hope they so desperately need.  I don't know how they do it without you Lord but I am not one of them.  I'm that little girl you held in your arms today, while my life was being picked through and taken away from me and you gave me comfort.

You are an awesome God.  Look what you have done in me.  I'd rather live through something like this, knowing that you are in charge and have it all under control than to condone the sin that hurts your heart and have her with me still.

You know how much she means to me.  You see me and my heart and my tears because you always come to me when I call on you.  I know that you have a plan and it will be wonderful.  Help me not to forget that when my heart is breaking.

Last thing Lord, please do not let go of me. I need you every hour.  I need to feel you with me.  I need for you to remind me that I did the right thing because I did what you told me to do and you are always, perfectly right.

That's it Lord.  Life will go on, who knows what you have planned next?  I surely don't but I know it's for my good and my hope is in you.  Maybe Lord, if you feel like I'm ready now, you will send that special someone my way and give me someone in this world to lean on from time to time.  My son is awesome but he's just a kid and doesn't know everything.  Would you consider now, being the right time to bring someone into my life that loves you as much as I do and who is willing to stand with me?  It's your choice, I trust you.  Thank you for this day and for showing up at the perfect time, you always do that.  Reminds me of Craig, how he never seems to have lost his ability to amaze me, surprise me, be there when I least expect.  The difference is, you are always here and I thank you for that.  I love you Lord.

 

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You Lord, you are holding my heart.

Saturday, March 10, 2007

BROKEN

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I searched for a graphic that might possibly express the sorrow in my heart today, for this entry, but I don't think one exist.  How can mere art, express the depths of your heart, being broken beyond grief? For those of you who have been following my journal, know what has been happening, I tell you that the process goes on and my little girl will not be coming home.  Yesterday, she came and told me and will be back on Sunday to move her things out.  The very same people who helped her abort her baby, hid it all from me and then turned on me when I tried to come to her rescue, they are the ones who have joined together to give her a place to live, support her, provide the truck that will come take her life from me.  No remorse, no regret, no shame, no appearance of any kind of conviction at all.  Just happy to come move her out of her home and away from me.

Where is the power of God to stop it all?  Where is the truth, light, happy ending?  When everything feels like it is just falling apart and there is no one on my side, where is my hope?  It's in the Lord, no matter how this feels to me, I know that the Lord is working, I just don't see it.  That's where faith comes in.  Nothing appears to be as it should, no appearance of anything that gives me hope, no way to stop it all or save myself from the tremendous loss but that is faith, believing all things. 

Faith is the substance of things hope for.  The evidence of things not seen.  By all appearances, I don't care that this is happening.  I haven't raised a huge fuss.  Haven't sent the police after her or made any demands.  Haven't begged her to think about what she is doing and change her mind.  I've just stood back, trusting God and remaining quiet.  I did tell her yesterday that there is nothing I can do.  It's not that I couldn't fight it all but it would get me no where.  I could send the police for her because he is grown and she is only 17 but all that would do is put a bigger wedge between us and she would just leave again.  It's not that she is being forced to make this choice, even though that is what she is telling everyone.  This was her choice, long before it happened, it was her choice.  All I've done is accepted it and taken a stand against all the betrayal and lies and sin.

So I submit to you.  Those of us that are Christians, the ones who claim they love the Lord with all your heart and soul and mind.  The ones who say nothing comes before him.  What would you do?  What would you choose if it came right down to it and the very child you gave birth too, sacrificed your life for, turned to the dark side and you had to take a stand against it.  Would you choose the light?  Would you tell your child, whom you love with all your heart that she must leave?  Could you possibly survive the deep sorrow that only a mothers heart can feel when she looses her child and then whole heartedly say to the Lord, I choose you?

Not all of us have to make that choice.  It's hard, impossible to even comprehend why anyone would have to be face with that choice but I am.  My heart feels such great sorrow, words can not express it.  I feel like the life has been knocked out of me and I don't even want to face another day.  I keep thinking, Lord God please come before I have to go through another day but, I don't feel that is what will happen.  I believe I will just have to go through the valley of the shadow of death and grieve and feel the loss and emptiness.

Life, it is what we go through every single day and none of us have a clue what will pop out of the darkness and become our reality.  The world goes on, people going here and there but everywhere, all over the world, someone is faced to live with such tremendous sorrow, their only hope is that the Lord will come soon and put an end to it all.

My heart is truly broken.  Of all the trials I have been through in my life, it seems that I have never one time been able to over come them or have the victory, in time to make a difference for the people involved.  A day late and a dollar short as they say.  There is a time for everything under the sun, that's what the word of God tells me.  So, that being the truth, I wonder if I am suppose to feel that I run a hundred miles an hour for nothing and that nothing I care about, is lasting, just passing me by in this world and leaving brokeness in my heart with such great scars, only the Lord can help me through it all?

Tremendous sorrow.  Life sucking, energy stealing sorrow that just brings you to your knees and keeps you from even being able to get through the day without tremendous effort.  I feel that's the life for me.  I see it in my past and fear it in my future and just hope that I can get through it all and make it to heaven, to be with the Lord one day.

It's not that I don't trust the Lord.  If I didn't, I would be the one who decides when this is all over.  It's just that the Bible tells us that in this world you will have tribulations.  I seem to have a life time of tremendous sorrow and grief mapped out for me and all I can do is hide under the refuge of the Lord's wing and ask for his compassion and strength and love to get through it all.

 

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I miss my little friend, Monty.  He is my daughters cat but when she left him here and his heart was breaking, I came to his rescue and found a loyal friend.  Now he is gone, with her and I miss his little face.

Please pray for me and for this whole situation.  Only the grace of God will get me through this yet, the healing I found, struggled to get too seems to elude me and I'm just sick with grief.  I wonder what the medical term is for those who actually die from a broken heart ............

Sunday, March 4, 2007

What about my rights??

Hello everyone, I'm going to do something a little different tonight than I normally do.  I'm going to talk about how I feel about the abortion my daughter had.  Oh, she has made it perfectly clear to me that she was within her rights to have the abortion and I most certainly don't disagree, even though that's not what she is telling everyone.  It's just that this was so huge, so life changing and it was the final straw to make me realize, it's not me that she loves, trusts or turns too for help and guidance.  That's her choice too.  The part that I refuse to accept anymore, the part that pushed things over the edge, is all the deception, sneaking around, lies, disrespect and lack of trust that she treats me with.  I have to wonder who it is she really doesn't trust and I have to wonder what her anger is all about, since she knows I was there for  her, even though I don't agree with abortion.

So now she is gone and she hates me.  Her words cut deeper than a two edge sword but it doesn't't seem to bother her because everyone is supporting her rights.  Well, what about my rights and what about the right of that innocent little baby?  Can it be that we live in a world that is so cruel that the gift of life can be sucked out of your body and no one should give it another thought?

I've spent the last month grieving the loss of my daughter and trying to accept her choice.  She had a choice, unlike her baby.  Her choice is to live in my house under my protection and love and in return, I only ask for respect and honesty.  Those are the two foundations I raised my children with and what I've always given to them. Her other choice is that she can not respect me or be honest with me or respect my home so she must leave. 

My daughter would disagree.  When I stumbled onto her diary and found out a horrible secrete, she hated me for it. When I stumbled upon a letter she wrote and left on my computer and she found out, she hated me.  Now that I've come across yet another letter, on my computer, talking about her abortion that she claims in the letter she was forced into, she hates me.  So what's the truth, only God knows.  I feel a tremendous sadness but I know I can't make her stay.  I know after this situation, I can not trust her and I know that she is going to make any choice she wants too no matter what I say and then turn on me if I find out.  So, it's all in the Lords hands and the grieving is almost done.  Acceptance has found it's way into my heart and learning to live with it all will follow.

There's just one thing that no one seems to want to mention.  That sweet innocent baby, sucked out of her womb and then thrown away.  My grand baby that I never got to know.  Never had a chance to fight for, never even knew existed for certain.  So, in an effort to acknowledge this sweet little thing, heal my heart and exercise my rights, I have written the following poem.  Lord, the rest is up to you.

Dedicated to my angel grandchild who never even had a chance to have rights.  I will not forget you.

 

Silent Murder

 

Through many days of toil and sorrow, there’s never guaranteed, tomorrow;

They say they have the right to choose to keep life or throw it away.

Even I know God gives, freedom of will, but it’s murder just the same;

I don’t even know the sex and it never had a name

For just a tiny moment, they say it felt the pain;

Suction, tore it out of her womb, little hands and tiny feet;

The only comfort I can find is the Lord that angel went to meet;

What about the baby’s rights, who do you think it blames

A tragedy that results when we use sex as a careless game

From every person’s perspective, there was no illegal act;

But that little baby was living, and murder is the fact;

Now it’s just a memory, swept under the rug and done;

No one seems to care at all that the baby lost and they won

So tiny it didn’t have a name, don’t know if female or male

Just a tiny angel unwanted, and a huge void left to fill;

I won’t forget you exist, even though your life I couldn’t spare

To me you very much counted, and now I feel despair

You’re not the only one un wanted, your mother doesn’t love me either

But it’s ok, she made her choice and I feel like your only griever

Sweet baby angel, I love you and know you’re in God’s care

One day grandma will meet you, so do not feel despair,

The Lord is coming back one day and I will go home too

That’s where you’ll find your grandma, just remember, I love you.

 

 

Copyright ©2006 Poetry by ging

 

March  4, 2007

 

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No name, no age, no date for abortion, nothing.  Just an awareness that you exsited and I say you count.  That's my opinion and my right.

 

Saturday, March 3, 2007

THE TRUE FACTS OF LIFE

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Oh how I love this graphic.  A friend of mine made this for me a few years back but my computer crashed and I lost it.  A couple months ago, give or take a few days, I saw this graphic on a friend of mines journal and copied it.  I love it because it feels like me.  In a world where everyone does what the world says is ok and forgets the power of the Lord and his word, I feel like a lost soul, trapped in a world of selfishness and deception, tied at the wrists with chains.  My only source of comfort and hope is the light of the world that comes from our heavenly father and his influence on the people who love him and serve him.  So, I hope that I have not offended anyone by asking my dear friend, Sugar, to put my name on this graphic and give it to me.

I woke up this morning and the first thing on my mind was the things that I am going through with my daughter.  Oh how the enemy loves to use people of the world to deceive and torture each other.  With the naked eye and human instincts, we can not see or know why things are happening the way they are but because of the Holy Spirit, we have discernment and wisdom that can only come from God.

The Bible tells us not to look at things the way they appear but to trust the Lord with all our hearts and all our souls and all our minds.  That use to make me crazy because we are taught as children to go on the way things look at feel.  How can I not be upset and torn apart when this is happening or that?  How can anyone be joyful or have peace in their heart when everything is falling apart?  That lesson took me years to understand.  It goes against our very nature to not act on the way things look and feel.

The Lord is an all knowing, powerful, loving, compassionate God.  He is everywhere, all the time, sees all things, knowsall things and hears all things.  Nothing is as it appears anymore.  We use to live in a world where a mans word was his bond but now, the world in it's efforts to get it's own way, not even a notary public, endorsinga signature can stand up in a court of law.  Not if there's one tiny little error in the way things are processed. People in general do not want to take responsibly for their actions and choices.  People in general look for loop holes in the law to justify and excuse their behaviors.  People in general want someone else, anyone else, to pay  consequences for their actions, no matter how guiltless or blameless that person may be.  No matter what the price or consequence of the situation might do to an innocent person.

I thank the Lord daily that he knows my heart better than even I.  I thank the Lord daily that in him I find comfort and wholeness in the humility that comes from being obedient to God.  I thank the Lord daily that he is on call, 24/7 and he always knows the right answer.  I thank the Lord daily for his word of wisdom, the completeness I feel in him and that he is in control.

Do not be discouraged by the things of the world.  The Lord is all you need and the more you understand him and seek him, the more you find just how little power,the world and it's sinful nature, has to hurt you.  God is in control.  It doesn't matter if you are on top of the world and everything is going perfect or if you are sitting on the bottom and hoping with all your heart that life will get better.  The Lord is in control and if we can remember that one thing, there is always hope in the Lord.

Pray for one another, seek and find out what the word of God has to say about anything and everything.  These days that we are living in are no different than the way the world was back in the old testament days when God destroyed the world with water.  Maybe the world is more populated.  Maybe there are more ways to get hurt or entertain yourself or make money or things of that nature but people, the hearts of people, it's all the same.  In the last days, the Bible tells us that men will become lovers of themselves.  In the last days, the Bible tells us that we willbe living in perilus times.  In the Bible, we are told of the things to come.  We can choose to believe the word of God or we can choose not too believe but either way, the Lord is coming back soon.  He will be prepared to hold us all accountable for our choices, believe it or not.

 

 

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John 14: 1- 7

Let not your heart be troubled: ye believe in God, believe also in me.  In my Father's house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you.  I go to prepare a place for you.  And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto myself: that where I am, there ye may be also. And whither I go ye know, and the way ye know.  Thomas said unto him, Lord, we know not whither you go; and how can we know the way?  Jesus said unto him, I am the way, the truth and the life: no  man cometh unto the Father, but by me.  If ye had known me, ye should have known my father also: and from henceforth ye know him and have seen him.

John 14: 15- 23

If ye love me, keep my commandments.  And I will pray the Father, and he shall give you another Comforter, that he may abide with you forever; Even the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it sees him not, neither knows him: but ye know him:  for he dwells with you, and shall be in you.  I will not leave you comfort less: I will come to you.  Yet a little while, and the world sees me no more, but you see me: because I live, ye shall live also.

Oh, trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not to you own understanding but in all your ways acknowledge him and he WILL direct your path.

 

 

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THY WORD IS A LAMP UNTO MY FEET AND A LIGHT UNTO MY PATH