Oh Lord, how broken you must have felt on this night when you were pouring out your heart to God, our Heavenly Father. I've not even had a glimpse of the tragedy you must have felt in your heart and yet, some how I know the despair you felt. I have tasted such tragedies. I drank from the cup of sorrow many times, brokenness, pain.
How humble and broken and yet convicted and focused you were on this night when you knew your fate and yet, in your obedience, you set your heart on God's will.
I know, maybe not like you felt it but maybe I do, feel that pain in your soul. Do you know how much I love you? I know you can see in my heart and I know that it's only because I am being obedient to you, the awesome, magnificant, wonderful, amazing father that you are. My heart feels beyond broken Lord. What is that called when you feel like this? I know you understand. I know you are touched by my grief because you understand how this feels to me. My baby is gone. I feel so much like I failed her sometimes. This sweet little ball of energy who's sunshine and smile lit any dim room. I had to leave her God and you know how that tore my heart out but I had no choice. You know my children went with me every single day I had to leave them behind and broke my heart. There was nothing else I could do. I let them down but not by my own choice of lack of effort or neglect.
Lord, you get to see her everyday. I'm trusting you to take care of her for me and keep her in your loving arms. You see how that is effecting me. I'm trying so hard and if it were not for you, there's no way I could make it.
I had my time to be young and enjoy life and even though I'm not very old, I would give my life so that both of my children can be alright. That they could come to know you personally and find true salvation in you.
Some days I feel like I can't even get out of bed but I do. I have too because there is not one soul, left in my life, that would lift a finger to help me. No one does lift a finger to help me other than the encouragement I have gotten from my Christian friends. Then there's Craig, who after all these years, he still comes to check on me. That man truly loves me and I know it and I am thankful that you still allow us to have a friendship. Thank you for sending him to me last night. For his kind heart, his listening ear, his gentle, encouraging, loving heart towrds me. I ask you to bless him for his kind heart towards me and for never letting me feel forgotten.
I'm just so sad. I trust you and I know you know that I do, otherwise, this would not even be happeing but Lord, it's getting through the days that just break me and I long to have her with me again. I'm trying so hard God but this is huge. Even though the world tells me that this is what happens at this age, it's not ok with me. I agree with what you said to our heavenly father on that night that you prayed. Not my will but yours be done.
Please just keep me in your loving arms and help me. I'm so incredibly sad, all I know to do is curl up with you and open my heart because I trust you. Because you never leave me nor forsake me. Because you Lord, you are the living miracle in my life.
I love you Lord. With all my heart and soul and mind I love you. I want to be that light that stands out in this evil world but it's so hard to be this sad. Please, keep my baby safe, my hope is in you.