Saturday, November 11, 2006


For God so loved the WORLD that he gave his only begotten son that who so ever believes in him should not perish but have ever lasting life.  John 3:16

Good evening, my has it been a long time since I have written in my own journal.  Please do not take this as a sign of not being blessed, only a time to look around, be open to the holy spirit and to put things in a better perspective.

Thank you Lord, for opening my eyes to the suffering of others.  Forgive me for thinking for even one moment that I am not considerably rich because of all that you have given me.  You tell me in your word that you will supply all my needs according to your riches in heaven.  Help me to never forget, just how much I have and help me to always remember those who have nothing.

Last night, I was given the opportunity to see just how poor another person can be.  This person happened to be a child, only 20 years old, abused by his parents and on his own, hundreds of miles away from home.  My son moved out last night and I took him to where he was going.  As I walked into this young kids home, I saw absolutely nothing because that is what he had, nothing.  Two very dirty mattresses on the floor, one old couch, drug in off the streets and a small TV.  He can't even get the gas company to turn on his heat and the weather is getting cold outside.  I thought to myself, how on earth can I even leave this young boy here in this, little lone my son.

I finished carrying in the few things that my son took with him, told him I love him and left him there.  All the way home, my heart, my very spirit was broken.  I walked into my home and suddenly, I felt rich because of all that I have.  Not that I am rich by any means but compared to this young kid, I am.

I couldn't sleep last night, thinking about them not having food, thinking about how cold it got last night, thinking about how hard this kid works and never complains about his life.  I prayed my heart out for both of them.

This morning when I woke up, my heart immediately went back to my son and his friend.  I found myself feeling so blessed and so determined to find a way to help these kids.  I got up and enjoyed nice hot coffee, a warm fire, plenty of food to eat, everything I needed.

I spent the day looking in my house for what I could give to them and I was surprised at how much I have extra.  Was able to give them very basic cooking supplies, a toaster, silverware, cups, crock pot, extra space heater, blankets, just an abundance of things.  Then I went to the dollar store and Wal-Mart and spent a little bit of money and got them all the other things they needed.  Soups and cracks and juice and just little things like that.  Went shopping in my deep freeze and found lots of extra food.

I called them on the phone and told them I had something for them.  Even put together a little bag of goodies for the kittens he had taken in.  I put it all in the car and took it over there.  I knocked on the door and told them I needed some help so they jumped up and came to help me.  I was so taken back by the shine in their eyes at what they saw.  Andrew, he has lived alone with nothing for months and I never knew.  I would have helped him even if my son wasn't moving in with him.

As they unloaded all the bags and put everything away, I could see the excitement in their eyes as to what I brought.  I felt such a joy in my heart and suddenly, I didn't feel sad or beaten up by the world anymore but humbled and thankful to the Lord for giving me so much to share with someone else.  He gets the glory and the honor and the praise.  Maybe this was not an accident that my son decided to move in with this kid.  Maybe it was God's unique plan in order to meet this young boys needs.  All I know is that tonight, those boys have plenty of heat, blankets, food and the very basics they need.

Thank you Lord, for using me to do your good works.  Thank you for showing me how much everyone means to you and thank you for blessing me in such a tremendous way. 

Please, don't forget the person right under your eyes that has a need, if you can help. It's such a wonderful feeling to give to another in need.  Remember, it is more blessed to give, than to receive.  Amen.

Saturday, October 14, 2006


As I struggle to hang onto the promises of God, looking to him for my help and refuge, I think of all the people in the world who feel like me,  David, the Psalmist, shepard, ordinary man .......... beaten down and broken.  Sometimes Satan really wants me to believe that I'm not trusting God because I get so discouraged and feel like God is not listening to me.  Then I read scripture like the one below and I realize, there are many, even the greatest of men, who feel the same way.  I'm overwhelmed right now and need prayers and my heart is truly breaking but I will not give up on God and turn to the world.  I will cling to God even by a thin thread at times and continue to hope and believe that his ways are the only ways.  So, I think of all of you out there that might feel the same and I share this word with you in hopes to encourage your hearts and remind you that we all find times when we are feeling broken and beaten.  I remind you that God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son that who so ever believes in him shall NOT perish but have ever lasting life.  John 3:16.
Psalm 142 A Psalm of David
I cry out to the Lord with my voice.  With my voice to the Lord I make my supplication.  I pour out my complaint before Him.  I declare before him my trouble.  When my spirit is overwhelmed within me. Then you knew my path.  In the way in which I walk. They have secretly set a snare for me.  Look on my right hand and see.  For there is no one who acknowledges me.  Refuge has failed me.  No one cares for my soul.  I cried out to you O Lord.  I said, you are my refuge.  My portion in the land of the living.  Attend my cry.  For I am brought very low. Deliver me from my persecutors. For they are stronger than I.  Bring my soul out of prison.  That I may praise your name. The righteous shall surround me.  For you shall deal bountifully with me.
Psalm 143
Hear my prayer O Lord.  Give ear to my supplications.  In your faithfulness, answer me.  And in your righteousness.  Do not enter in judgement with your servant.  For in your sight no one living is righteous.
For the enemy has persecuted my soul.  He has crushed my life to the ground.  He has made me dwell in darkness, Like those who have long been dead.  Therefore my spirit is overwhelmed within me.  My heart within me is distressed.  I remember the day of old. I meditate on all your works. I muse on the work of your hands.  I spread out my hands to you.  My soul longs for you like a thirsty land.
Answer me speedily, O Lord.  My spirit fails.  Do not hide your face from me.  Lest I be like those who go down into the pit.  Cause me to hear your loving kindness in the morning.  For in you do I trust.  Cause me to know the way in which I should walk.  For I lift my soul to you.  Deliver me O Lord from my enemies.  In you I take shelter.  Teach me to do your will.  For you are my God.
Your spirit is good.  Lead me in the land of uprightness.  Revive me O Lord for your name's sake.  For your righteousness sake bring my soul out of trouble.  In your mercy cut off my enemies.  And destroy all those who afflict my soul.  For I am your Servant.
Dear Lord, I find this world of pain and suffering so overwhelming sometimes that I can't even find peace in my heart but I know Oh Lord that you are my refuge and my hope and my comfort.  Give understanding to those who want to help.  Send your love to me in such a mighty way that I have no doubt it's you. Encourage my heart and fill my cup.
Bring to life the truth that, Greater is he that is in me than he that is in the world.  In you Lord, my precious Savoir, my hope does dwell.

Saturday, October 7, 2006


Silent Tragedy
Rays of sunshine, bursting with warmth, so contagious it covers you with joy until it seeps into your heart and brings brightness to your being, broken with one enormous tragedy after another until darkness becomes your world.
Reaching, hoping, praying for the light, just to have it move beyond the clouds to darken even your highest hope.  Searching, longing for that promise of a love that is ours for the asking, just to find a deafened ear, invisible even to the greatest power of our universe, God.
Waking from the black hole that is your dream only to find the reality of what life can be in a world so cruel and selfish.  Sinking in despair, crying for a break in the sorrow that is your silent world full of emptiness and all alone.
Struggling to hold onto the tiny piece of sunshine that once was your spirit, joy, positive outward look.  Reading all the promises, wondering why they aren't applied to you by the master who holds the world in his hands.  Knowing, all things are possible yet waking to the reality that it doesn't include you.
Silently, reluctantly going through the day in a world around you full of life and living only to acknowledge a world no one knows about, the darkness that is your inner pain.
Tragedies, tragedies, enormous tragedies that would break even the strongest of man, carrying it with you, no words to say to take it all away.
Betrayal, even from the greatest entity that is said to be your hope, trickery, betrayal, great sorrow that fades even the brightest light.
Sparks of determination to rise above the nightmare that is your life, just to find fist where you believed was an open hand.  Numb, not feeling, thinking, just being, go through the motions and wondering what must have happened to bring you to this present darkness full of heart wrenching sadness.
Pushing, struggling to meet another day, not thinking or allowing feeling or dreams to enter your mind, getting through another day without anyone seeing the black whole in your heart through the window of your soul.
Learning to conceal the love and compassion and genuine care for others so as to not be taken advantage of or mistreated, hoping to remain invisible yet longing to fit somewhere.
People living, moving, talking, loving, through an invisible shield that separates you from their world and leaves you empty and broken.  Loosing the desire to hold on, believe, hope, dream, live, just exist in a world you aren't welcomed in, lost and alone, silently still holding on for a better day.  Utter sadness, remembering the sunshine in your soul that once was the person you were. Fighting to not become the total darkness set before you to absorb you like a sponge and put out the fire that was once your heart. No where to turn, no way to escape, even sleep brings nothing but sorrow.

Saturday, September 30, 2006


This is one of the greatest stories I have ever read.  I hope you enjoy it and that it blesses you.


    17-year-old Brian Moore had only a short time to write something for a
class. The subject was what Heaven was like. "I wowed 'em," he later told his
father, Bruce. "It's a killer. It's the bomb. It's the best thing I ever
wrote.." It also was the last.
    Brian's parents had forgotten about the essay when a cousin found it while
cleaning out the teenager's locker at Teary Valley High School . Brian had been
dead only hours, but his parents desperately wanted every piece of his life near
them-notes from classmates and teachers, his homework.
    Only two months before, he had handwritten the essay about encountering
Jesus in a file room full of cards detailing every moment of the teen's life..
But it was only after Brian's death that Beth and Bruce Moore realized that
their son had described his view of heaven. "It makes such an impact that people
want to share it. You feel like you are there." Mr. Moore said.
    Brian Moore died May 27, 1997, the day after Memorial Day. He was driving
home from a friend's house when his car went off Bulen-Pierce Road in Pickaway
County and struck a utility pole. He emerged from the wreck unharmed but stepped
on a downed power line and was electrocuted.
    The Moores framed a copy of Brian's essay and hung it among the family
portraits in the living room. "I think God used him to make a point. I think we
were meant to find it and make something out of it," Mrs. Moore said of the
essay. She and her husband want to share their son's vision of life after death.
"I'm happy for Brian. I know he's in heaven. I know I'll see him."
    Brian's Essay: The Room...
    In that place between wakefulness and dreams, I found myself in the room.
There were no distinguishing features except for the one wall covered with small
index card files. They were like the ones in libraries that list titles by
author or subject in alphabetical order. But these files, which stretched from
floor to ceiling and seemingly endless in either direction, had very different
headings. As I drew near the wall of files, the first to catch my attention was
one that read "Girls I have liked." I opened it and began flipping through the
cards. I quickly shut it, shocked to realize that I recognized the names written
on each one. And then without being told, I knew exactly where I was.
    This lifeless room with its small files was a crude catalog system for my
life. Here were written the actions of my every moment, big and small, in a
detail my memory couldn't match. A sense of wonder and curiosity, coupled with
horror, stirred within me as I began randomly opening files and exploring their
content. Some brought joy and sweet memories; others a sense of shame and regret
so intense that I would look over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching.
    A file named "Friends" was next to one marked "Friends I have betrayed." The
titles ranged from the mundane to the outright weird "Books I Have Read," "Lies
I Have Told," "Comfort I have Given," "Jokes I Have Laughed at." Some were
almost hilarious in their exactness: "Things I've yelled at my brothers." Others
I couldn't laugh at: "Things I Have Done in My Anger", "Things I Have Muttered
Under My Breath at My Parents." I never ceased to be surprised by the contents.
    Often there were many more cards than I expected. Sometimes fewer than I
hoped. I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of the life I had lived. Could it
be possible that I had the time in my years to fill each of these thousands or
even millions of cards? But each card confirmed this truth. Each was written in
my own handwriting. Each signed with my signature.
    When I pulled out the file marked "TV Shows I have watched", I realized the
files grew to contain their contents. The cards were packed tightly, and yet
after two or three yards, I hadn't found the end of the file. I shut it, shamed,
not so much by the quality of shows but more by the vast time I knew that file
    When I came to a file marked "Lustful Thoughts," I felt a chill run through
my body. I pulled the file out only an inch, not willing to test its size and
drew out a card. I shuddered at its detailed content.
    I felt sick to think that such a moment had been recorded. An almost animal
rage broke on me. One thought dominated my mind: No one must ever see these
cards! No one must ever see this room! I have to destroy them!" In insane frenzy
I yanked the file out. Its size didn't matter now. I had to empty it and burn
the cards. But as I took it at one end and began pounding it on the floor, I
could not dislodge a single card. I became desperate and pulled out a card, only
to find it as strong as steel when I tried to tear it.
    Defeated and utterly helpless, I returned the file to its slot. Leaning my
forehead against the wall, I let out a long, self-pitying sigh.
    And then I saw it.. The title bore "People I Have Shared the Gospel With."
The handle was brighter than those around it, newer, almost unused. I pulled on
its handle and a small box not more than three inches long fell into my hands. I
could count the cards it contained on one hand.
    And then the tears came. I began to weep. Sobs so deep that they hurt. They
started in my stomach and shook through me. I fell on my knees and cried. I
cried out of shame, from the overwhelming shame of it all. The rows of file
shelves swirled in my tear-filled eyes. No one must ever, ever know of this
room. I must lock it up and hide the key. But then as I pushed away the tears, I
saw Him.
    No, please not Him. Not here. Oh, anyone but Jesus. I watched helplessly as
He began to open the files and read the cards. I couldn't bear to watch His
response. And in the moments I could bring myself to look at His face, I saw a
sorrow deeper than my own.
    He seemed to intuitively go to the worst boxes. Why did He have to read
every one? Finally He turned and looked at me from across the room. He looked at
me with pity in His eyes. But this was a pity that didn't anger me. I dropped my
head, covered my face with my hands and began to cry again. He walked over and
put His arm around me. He could have said so many things. But He didn't say a
word. Hejust cried with me.
    Then He got up and walked back to the wall of files. Starting at one end of
the room, He took out a file and, one by one, began to sign His name over mine
on each card. "No!" I shouted rushing to Him. All I could find to say was "No,
no," as I pulled the card from Him. His name shouldn't be on these cards. But
there it was, written in red so rich, so dark, so alive. The name of Jesus
covered mine. It was written with His blood. He gently took the card back. He
smiled a sad smile and began to sign the cards. I don't think I'll ever
understand how He did it so quickly, but the next instant it seemed I heard Him
close the last file and walk back to my side.
    He placed His hand on my shoulder and said, "It is finished." I stood up,
and He led me out of the room. There was no lock on its door. There were still
cards to be written.
    "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."-Phil. 4:13 "For God
so loved the world that He gave His only son, that whoever believes in Him shall
not perish but have eternal life." If you feel the same way forward it so the
love of Jesus will touch their lives also. My "People I shared the gospel with"
file just got bigger, how about yours? 

Sunday, September 24, 2006


It's been almost two months since I have made an entry in my journal, I didn't realize that much time had passed.  It's not that I do not have things that I feel very strongly about, just a period of confusion and loneliness and lack of understanding.

Sometimes, it seems as though the road of life is so long and lonely.  One day you are going along and life is good then, everything is gone.  Someone once proposed the question, what would you do if one day, everything you had and everyone you loved was gone?  At that time, I couldn't even imagine it clearly enough to answer the question except to realize that it would be devastating to anyone.

That's what happened to me and it was incredible.  I remember the one thing that kept me going was that God was not gone, he was with me.  I remember praying on a daily basis for my needs and somehow, God amazingly met those needs.  He didn't do it by handing it to me on a silver platter.  He didn't bring someone to me that came to my rescue.  What God did was to tell me very clearly, " I am with you and I will supply all your needs".  It was a painstaking journey to get through the worst part.  You know, having food, running water, power, heat, transportation, a job, even a warm and safe place to live.  My two children and I struggled more than I can possibly put into words and in the beginning, it was all I could do to ask for the energy to keep going to another day.

That was six years ago.  The Lord has been good to me, given me what I need or what he knows I need.  I've gotten out of debt, have a good job, my house is safe and warm and I do not have to worry about having enough food or meeting the very simplest of needs.  The one thing that has not been restored to me is people in my life.  Seems that no matter what kind of effort I make, people just do not stay around.

I have no family, my friends went in the divorce and the ones I have made since then either die, live in this box or are miles and miles away.  I don't understand it but until I really made a valid effort to change things, I use to think it was my own fault.

I don't understand a lot of things.  I don't always understand what God tells me or don't hear it or something.  I don't understand why things happen the way they do or why some people seem to attract more sorrow than others.  I don't know how a person can try so hard and nothing seem to change.  What I do know, what I know without a doubt in my mind is that God is always with me.  I know that being in his word is the key to everything.  I know that he loves us so much that he sent his only son into this world to die for you and me.

I've been going to a church for nine months now and have yet to meet a soul.  I introduce myself to people and sit up front with complete strangers and have met the pastor and yet not one soul returns to talk to me or acknowledge me.  It's hurtful and it's a big reason why I have been so down.  It's like I've been forgotten and somehow became invisible to everyone, including God.

Today, I was reading my Bible study like I always do.  The point that was made is the evidence of the love of God for his children and how important it is to spread that love.  My focus got lost in a world of pain and memories for a while but I never let go of God's word and I never stopped believing he has the power to move mountains.

Do you ever feel like you have been forgotten by the world??  Like everything you touch and make an effort for just turns to junk or disappears?  Ever feel like you're so lonely you think you will stop breathing and can't take another minute of it?  Feel like you wish you were not the one who seems to attract so much pain and tragedy?

We are not alone, there are people all around us everywhere who suffer and feel like the world has forgotten them.  When you feel this way, be encouraged to share love with others.  Take a friend to lunch, open the door for someone, smile.  Each and every kindness that you show to another person counts.  Sometimes it can make the difference between life and death.  God's greatest gift to us is love and not everyone has it.

Not by might nor by power but by the spirit of the Lord.  That is where our strength comes from.  God bless, pray for one another and this world and have a blessed week.

Monday, August 7, 2006


That is not a question, that is a statment, a fact, a truth, a certainty and confidence.  Our father who is in heaven, the King of Kings, Lord of Lords, the absolute essence of pureness and honor and justice.

I sat on my front porch tonight after several encounters with prayer requests and loved ones who are struggling right now.  I watched this incredible moon up in the sky, moving in and out of the clouds with such a majestic perfection and all I could think of was ........... wow, that's so awesome.

You know who put that moon up in the sky??  That's right, our God.  I thought to myself, Lord, give me something that I can share with others that will encourage their heart and remind them of who it is that you are.

I thought about this child, begging it's mother for food.  Of course you would not allow your child to go hungry and so while this mother made her way to get her child some food, this young child kept begging, I'm hungry mommy, please feed me.  The mother woked frantically to prepare something for her child and all the while, this child, knowing where the food was coming from, only thought about it's hungry tummy and that food she was waiting for.  The mother had every intention of meeting her childs need but it took her time to prepare the food and set it before the child.  Patience was all that young child needed but all she could think about was being hungry up until the second her mother sat the food in front of her to eat.

How often do we, knowing that God hears our prayers and is answering them, still become inpatient, focused so much on our need that we just keep begging God to help us until our prayers are answered?

How about asking for what we need and then thanking him each and everyday for the work he has begun and is faithful to finish?  How about praying with such certainty that we know that we no longer have to keep asking but just know in our hearts that this amazing, awesome God has it all under control and is working?

Thank you Lord, thank you that you are so awesome and that you love us so much.  Thank you Lord for being faithful to finish the good work you have begun.  Thank you Lord that you hear our prayers and that you are answering them.  Lord help us not to forget who we are in Christ Jesus.  Help us to always have the confidence that if you be for us, who can be against us.  Thank you Lord that you meet each and every need in our lives according to your will.  Lord please help each of us to keep our eyes focused on you and not on our circumstances.  Help us to remember that your time is not our time and your ways are not our ways.  Encourage our hearts, show us anything in our lives that might hinder your ability to answer our prayers.  Help us to trust you and to turn to you and to know you are God.  Be with us and remind us that Satan is already defeated and he knows it.  Forgive us for our sins and help us all to be who you have called us to be.  Let us have a loving and caring heart as you would have us and let our lives shine a light to you.  We pray that for every prayer you answer, it would bring glory to you and that it will build our faith.

We love you and praise you and give you all honor and glory.  Amen.

I encourage those of you who are struggling right now to read the last couple of chapters of Isaiah and the first couple in Jeremiah.  God clearly tells us who we are in Christ Jesus and the victory we have in him.  He will deliver you and me.

God bless.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006


All around us we see it, people struggling, going to incredible trials, tired, beaten up, discouraged and even depressed.  I think it's important for us to stop everything, just for a moment and remind ourselves of how great our God really is.

The oceans of the world contain  more than 340 quintillion gallons of water yet God holds them in the hollow of his hand Isaiah 40:12.

The earth weight 6 sextillion metric tons yet to God it represents but dust on the scale Isaiah 40:12, 15.

The known universe stretches more than 30billion light years (200 sextillion miles) yet to God that great expanse represents but a span, hands width.  Isaiah 40:12.

That same universe contains at least 100 billion stars yet God knows them all my name.  Isaiah 40:26.

God is so huge, beyond what we can possible picture in our minds and yet, we find ourselves in trouble and we try to offer him advice on how to fix things for us.  I submit to you that God is in control and can handle everything and he does, in his own time.

Isaiah 40:31 They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings as eagles.  They shall run and not be weary they shall walk and not faint.

Take the time today to remember who you are to God and how big he is.  Remember how awesome he is.  Remember that he loves you and he sent his only son to die on the cross for your sins and that he is faithful to finish the good work he has begun in you.  Trust him with all your heart, keep your eyes on him and be patient and he will deliver you.  God bless.

Saturday, July 22, 2006


Thy word have I hid in my heart that I might not sin against thee.

All the answers to life are here in your word Lord.  People read it and understand it and yet they hide from the truth and instruction.  I've been guily so many times Lord, knowing the truth but thinking that if I ignore it or pretend I don't understand it, somehow that will give me the right to make a choice for sin and not for you.

The signs are there, everywhere you look, the propheies are being fulfilled and that last days are at hand.  Still, some poeple continue in their selfishness and sin and choose their own ways.

The closer I am to you Lord, the more sensitive I am to what is happening in the world and the urgancy of telling the world about you.  They don't listen Lord, what am I to do if they won't listen??

Take me under your wing I pray.  Teach me your word and give me a spirit of love and kindness and humility, so maybe others will be won over, simply by knowing the joy that is mine in you Lord.

You are coming back soon and you will reward the righteous and punish the proud and selfish.  The people who stored up all their value in fame, fourtune and induldging in sin, they will be wiped out with a firey flame and forever damed and the meek and humble who love you and honor your word, their reward will be given to them.

Seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these things will be added unto you.

I'm sorry I don't know where these verses are in the Bible but I do know they are there.  If anyone who reads this can tell me where they are found, please feel free to do so.  God bless.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006


Hello my friends in J-Land.  I know that I said I wasn't going to do this anymore but since then, God has shown me so much and what I realize most is that if this journal touches even one heart it is worth it for the Lord.  I have also realized that it is our weaknesses that God loves to use the most.

The word of God is so amazing how it has the answers for every thing we face in this life.  I have just finished the book of Ecclesiasties and what a powerful book that is to be so tiny.  All the things that are in there, about how man loves vanity and prospers and how we feel discouraged about the prosperity of the wicked, it plays out even in today's life, doesn't it?

That book also tells us that for everything there is under the sun, every one of us will be held accountable and those of us who strive to be more Christ like, God will not forget us.

2 Corinthians 12:9  My grace is sufficient for you, my power made perfect in your weakness.

I find great comfort in those words because I am weak right now but still holding on tight to the Lord and trusting him.  So much sadness and pain in my heart.  My mother is dying and it's almost impossible for me to see her before she does because she is still married to my step dad and he hates me.  Even up to the very end he will keep this going because he molested me when I was a little girl and so when my daughter was born, I refused to let him near her.  Twice now, I am paying for something dearly and I am not the villain. I've lost 14 years with my mother over this.

What I say is that the Lord is awesome and amazing.  I made amends with my mother on mother's day this year and got to tell her how much I love her.  I got a second chance and that was God.  My step dad will answer one day for what he has done and that is the confidence and certainty that I have in him.  His promise.

What I feel right now is that as deeply as I am hurt over this right now, God will use my weakness and he will be glorified in the process.  I ask for prayers because I am struggling so hard.  Not to trust God but to beat the pain I seem to keep falling into.  It's so incredibly difficult.

Satan knows our weaknesses and he does use them but so does God and in the end, God will get the glory if we continue to trust him.  This is an evil world and does belong to the evil but be of good cheer because God has over come the world and our reward is waiting in paradise.  He will have the last say.

God bless

Tuesday, July 4, 2006

Thank you

I guess that I only had a few people in mind when I decided to write a good bye in my journal. I didn't realize that I would get such an over whelming response like I have.

I know that the Lord is with me and that he is just continuing to heal a broken heart that goes so deep. I thought that it was all done but could not understand why I am still so lonely and my surroundings have not changed much.  Then it came to me the other night that my loneliness is by my own choice because there is still so much pain and hurt from the betrayal I have experienced.  Leaving me to feel like I was just dropped out of the sky and belong no where.

My dearest and sweetest friend, Tammy, was bold enough and brave enough to reach out to me in the beginning when I was so angry and bitter.  Even when I lashed out at her and cried, Tammy never gave up on me and she taught me that when someone or something comes from God, it is like a solid rock to stand on and trust.  I don't know how to thank someone for that kind of love but it does still exist and I am very blessed to have her as my friend.

I do not want to be responsible for misleading anyone who might come to my journal looking for hope.  I realize that my entry's have been sad and that I have much work left to do.  For that reason, I feel that I need to be silent and listen to the Lord for a while and continue this healing he is doing in me. 

To anyone who is reading this journal and finds these words, I encourage you to put your life in the Lords hands because he is not only able to make sense of it all and heal you, he will always willing.  The road to healing is a long and difficult road but it's worth it because God is ever present and right now, he holds me in the palms of his hands.

I've cried a million tears today but it's ok because it's only God's faithfulness to heal the broken heart.  When I feel that I am ready to continue this journal, I will come back and I will share my testimony with everyone to see.  In the meantime, you can reach me in Email if you would like.  I love to hear from you all and I am encouraged by your friendship and prayers.

To my friends who have prayed for me and who have been here so faithfully, thank you so much.  I believe you are all a gift from the Lord.  To my sweet Barbara P, you are such a blessing to me and help fill to void in my heart that I feel from my dear Aunt Harriet.  Always there to remind me how much she loves me, speaking the word of God in truth and always making me feel like I count.  I cherish you all.


To my friends and the people who consistently come and visit my journal, I have decided to stop my journal.  I want you to know that I appreciate the support and friendship of all of you who have taken the time to read what I have to say.  I just don't feel like my little space in J-Land has anything to offer any longer.

I realized something yesterday, I realized that I still have a very long and difficult road ahead of me.  The things that I thought that I had over come are still with me.  I still love this man that I wrote about, months ago when I first began my journal.  I can't change it and there is nothing I can do about it other than try to stay focused on the Lord and avoid this person at all cost.  It's a promise I made to the Lord and will keep.

I have not given up hope and I do trust the Lord with all my heart, I just feel that my participation in J-Land, is not something anyone needs or can't live without.

I will still keep you all in my prayers and continue to be a part of Sister's in Christ.  I will continue to keep my focus on the Lord and his word and strive to be that person God wants me to be.  I will always faithfully acknowledge that my hope is in the Lord and I am nothing without him, I just can no longer claim that I have over come the pain from my past or have he healing I thought was mine.

God is faithful though and I believe it with all my heart.  Maybe he has allowed me to see greater depths of my heart for more healing to take place, I'm not certain.  I just know that I feel like I have deceived others by claiming a healing that I obviously do not have and I am truly sorry.

I leave you all with Philippians 1:6  -- God is faithful to finish the good work he started in you until the day that the Lord comes back.  I do truly believe that.   God bless you all.  Remember to always pray for one another and love each other and look to God for all that you need. 

Tuesday, June 27, 2006


If I were to sit and write a book of the things that I have been through in less than ten years, I'm sure many would doubt me and even want proof.  There is proof, documented somewhere but I am not concerned about proving anything, just telling my testimony.

One day, my husband and I were going along through life, and we thought everything was perfect, planned for, secured and life was great.  In a moment, one disaster after another happened and our lives fell apart.  We lost almost everything we had because of one thing after another that could not be avoided.

His injury started everything and the end result was poverty, a destroyed home, his health, divorce, death, you name it.  I could not understand what was happening or why and when my marriage fell apart, it was almost more than I could bare.  I still prayed every day and asked the Lord to help me.  I was left with two children to raise completely on my own and my husband was no longer in the picture.

From the time of his injury to the the day he left, I can't even begin to tell you all that happened but I sure thought of Job a whole lot.  I even lost my friends and well, everything.  My one friend who stuck it out with me ended up being someone I fell deeply in love with.  I can't even express it with words but I have never loved like that in my life.  Three and a half years later, he betrayed me and left me too.

I was angry, didn't understand, couldn't figure out what I did wrong.  I prayed every day and I spent time with the Lord but still,  my whole life was gone before my eyes.  I thought I was going to die from a broken heart,  I kept thinking, is this it?  Is Satan going to be allowed to destroy me??  What is it I need to do in order to have God's blessing in my life?  Why do I try so hard to be a good person and everything is such a tremendous struggle for me?

After I lost my friend, I was so closed over.  I just wanted to be dead because if God was against, what hope could I possibly have?  I started praying for the Lord to heal my heart, to give me a desire to let go of it all and heal my heart.  I began reading the old testament and decided to getinto the word of God every day, no matter what.  Here I am, seven months later and wow, what an awesome God we serve.  I realize now that not only did the Lord never leave me, he also blessed me in ways I couldn't hope for.  I have relationship with him and he is the safety net of my life because I can always count on him. My heart is completely healed but if you asked me how it happened, all I can say is that it took one step of faith after another.

Today, I am able to share my testimony with people and they listen.  They listen because I've lived through every horrible thing that can happen to us as humans and I still speak of the Lord, how much he loves me and how important it is to look to him and only him for all my needs.  I feel so blessed to be able to reach out to others and help them see how much God loves us, even when everything is falling a part around us.

You see, in order to build new, you have to tare down the old.  One piece at a time, with faith, prayer, relationship with God, it just all comes together in a miraculous way that words can not explain.

This world is becoming such a cruel and hateful place to live.  I see people suffering all the time with death, sickness, abuse, pain.  I know in my heart that God is in control, when we give our lives to him completely and trust him and live according to his will, he makes everything beautiful in his time.

Each time that I come up against something that Satan is throwing at me, I trust the Lord, even when it makes no sense.  Each time, I become stronger in the Lord, my faith grows and my relationship with God grows.  I am no longer afraid of what Satan can do to me because God is in control and I understand that so much more than I ever have.

Being in the word of God is the key.  Knowing his word, his direction, his promises, his truth, his history of saving people, it just builds your faith and gives you confidnece that he will not put more on you than you can handle and he does have a purpose.  Our hope should be to serve him better and know him better and when we focus our hearts on him and the things he has for us, not the worldy things, we find we are so richly blessed by him.

I encourage anyone and everyone to get out their Bible, dust it off and get into the word of God.  It might not hit you right away, it didn't me but slowly, day by day, I realized that I need to praise God at all times, no matter what is happening and not give Satan a foot hold to depression and fear and sorrow.  God sits on the throne, he lives and he rules and in the end, he is the one we stand before.

If you ask me if my life is perfect today, I tell you no.  If you ask me if all the trials and struggles are over, I tell you no again.  I still go through tremendous trials and loneliness is one of the worst.  What I will say is that by sharing my story, I can give glory to the Lord for his faithfulness and love.  I have the assurance that I am never without hope and I trust in him with all my heart, soul and mind.

I would never say that it was all a loss but a gain because I am a better person for having gone through all that I have.  I'm stronger in the Lord than I've ever been and I tell you true, What a friend we have in Jesus.  God bless.

Friday, June 23, 2006




He prowls around each day and night, looking for a way to get in

To capture us with our weakness and wrap us up in sin

He knows he’s running out of time, the Lord will come back soon

To save all of his children from the pain and hurt and gloom

For those of us who know the truth, we see it all around

The sin of man is beating us, there’s no morals to be found

God had a plan when he made this world to give us abundant life

Now our choices are the very thing that cause us so much strife

Children all around us no longer sing sweet songs

Their parents beat and laugh at them, there’s something very wrong

I see the rich and famous, abuse their wealth and fame

Destruction by example, and they proudly speak their names

The elderly mistreated, no one to help them through

I ask you from my heart of hearts, what is there left to do

Violent crimes unpunished, people taking what’s not theirs

It’s just a daily happening and no one seems to care

He tells us in the last days, this all will come to pass

Hold onto all your armor to fight the evil mass

Yet all of us are Israelites, from the days oflong ago

Worshiping the wrong things like idols made of gold

Yet here we sit hopelessly, God why are you not here

To save us from this hurtful life and take away our tears

I went to church on Sunday and gave that poor man food

I read your word on Monday and only once was rude

On Tuesday I have dancing, I won’t have time for you

And Wednesday I go running, I have too much to do

Maybe Thursday I can find some time, it’s all up in the air

Except the time I set aside to color and cut my hair

God waits for us so patiently, to just call out his name

And put him first in everything and not be so ashamed

Acknowledge him as first and last and all the whole day through

Then stand and watch his faithfulness to keep his word to you.

Copyright ©2006 Poetry by ging

Sunday, June 18, 2006


Dear Heavenly Father:

Today is a day that the world has set aside to honor fathers, here on earth.  Lord there are those down here that do not have a father.  Generations of families that come from broken homes without a dad.  My heart is very sad because I see what it has done to my children and Lord, I'm just not enough to make up for the loss of a father.  I don't have a father either Lord, at least not here on earth.  How can a parent, any parent just up and walk away from their child when I'm finding it so hard to even let go and allow my children to grow up?

I see before me a child, so beautiful and unique in so many ways and yet she is struggling to figure out if she's a woman or a child.  Man says she has all the rights of an adult but Lord, you know that she is a child and so confused by life.

So Lord, my sweet heavenly father, thank you for who you are and that you never change.  Thank you that when it's hard, you do not run away and take the easy way out.  Thank you that you are the amazing example of a real man, with honor and integrity and truth.  Thank you Lord that when the world lets me down, you are always there.  Thank you that you are my daddy and I do not have to be like so many people who are hurting today because they have no daddy.  Thank you that I can be proud of you and that I can want my children to be like you, like I want to be just like you.

Thank you Lord for your compassion, listening ear, dedication, provision, instruction, love and many many more things.  I love you and even though people change, your laws stand true and last forever and ever. Thank you for the hope that I have for a better life, one day.  Thank you that I can proudly claim to be your child and feel the joy beaming from my soul, like a small child who is proud of their daddy.

Today, I say to you, Happy Father's Day Lord.  I pray that more men would want to be just like you. I'm so glad that I have the best daddy in this whole wide world. You.

Sunday, June 11, 2006


I woke up this morning thinking about the Lord because he's always the first one on my mind.  I was feeling so greatful to have him that I decided to write a poem for him because I love him so much.  I don't know what else to say other than please pray for one another because there is always a need.  God bless.


There Is No Friend Like You
Oh Lord I have a problem, so I'm bringing it to you
Because I know within my heart I can always count on you
This morning when I woke up, the first thing on my mind
Was to seek you out and be with you, the way I do each time
I feel so very lonely even though I know you're there
To hold me in your loving arms and let me know you care
I must be in a learning stage because the only thing I see
Is your word and loving presence teaching good and bad to me
Each day seems like the last one, everything feels the same
No one to tell my troubles to and only you remain
So I reach out for your sweet embrace, like I very often do
You put your arm around me, I have no friend like you
I see the world around me and I can't but feel your love
Not one thing here exists without you're blessing from above
The world around me breaks my heart, so selfish and unkind
Men are lovers of themselves and cruel hearted most the time
I feel your broken heart each day, I know you are so sad
No one is listening to your word the world is oh so bad
Help me to remember, the reason I am here
To love my neighbor as myself and wipe away their tears
I want to be your brilliant light and show this evil world
You are the king and blessed one and the reason I endure
Thank you for your loving kindness and the creations you designed
Like a tiny flower full of color or the shade tree that I find
In all I do and say each day let me express your love
To show you I'm thankful for your blessings from above 
Be with me as I rise each day and go out in the world
I thank you for the confidence, with you I can endure.
My only hope is you sweet Lord, one day to be with you
Until that day I'll run the race of faith in everything I do.
Copyright ©2006  Poetry by ging
dedicated to my loving Savior and best friend for loving me.

Sunday, June 4, 2006







Get Back What You Deserve

As I sit and watch the door, I worry when he’ll come,
He’ll find something to hit me for, no matter what I’ve done,
I wonder if there is a God, if so where has he been,
I think that he is scolding me, for a past or present sin,
I ask him for forgiveness, to make this go away,
It never seems to do it though, I think it’s here to stay,
When I was just a little girl, my daddy would tell me,
I always will protect you , just wait and you will see,
The world goes by and still I sit and wonder what went wrong,
My life is like a nightmare and all my hope seems gone,
I’m told that there is hope for me, someone will save my
I don’t know how this could be true, I see nothing but strife,
One day I got my courage up and said, “ No more I say.”
You do not have the power to hold me here this way,
Now I live in peace and love and only thoughts remain,
It’s seems that God heard all my prays and now there’s
no more pain.

Copyright ©2006 Ging


Never stop believing that God holds you in the palm ofhis hand and he is with you even when you feel like he isn't.  Remeber, there is always something to pray about.  God bless and keep you and make his face to shine upon you.  Amen


Sunday, May 28, 2006


Happy Memorial Day -- please pray for our troops, families and leaders

Although this is Memorial Day weekend and our troops certainly need our attention and prayers, I feel a much more urgent need to speak about our Lord and Savior and the deceptions in the world today.  The Bible clearly tells us that in the last days we can expect deception to run ramped.  People challenge the word of God and the very truth about who God is.  I take that very personal and offensive.  I worry about people who are not grounded in the word of God and do not have the knowledge nor the scripture to fight such deception.  The Da Vinci Code offends me to no end.  Just the very suggestion that Jesus is not who he says he is makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up and makes it very difficult for me to not loose my temper and  react in a very harsh way.

What I say to those of you who are reading this is simply facts.  The Bible has been the number one selling book of all times, still to this day.  There have been many people in history who have set out to discredit the word of God.  Historians, archaeologists, theologians, scholars, the list goes on and on.  The end result has been that the Bible is the most accurate account of history to this day.

Millions of people have gone to see, The Da Vinci Code and the movies has made millions of dollars.  I remember it's opening night because I prayed against it with all my heart, soul and mind.  It is blasphemy of God and it's potential to have a negative impact on this country is mind boggling.  It breaks my heart that two of the men I have always admired would be a part of something like this but it just goes to show that being good and kind and thoughtful of others does not and will not get any of us to heaven.  Asking the Lord into your heart and giving him first place in your life and living according to his will, that is how you run the good race of faith and become a part of God's family.  It's black and white.

Even with this in mind, the deception and misleading of people, I am inspired to remind each and everyone who reads this that God is still on the throne and he still has the last say.  I see this recent attack of the enemy as a challenge to stand up for Jesus and not be swayed by lies.  We are soldiers of God and we have been given the armor to go to battle for the Lord and that's what we need to do.  Be soldiers for our Lord and fight the enemy and his deception.

I am reminded of the words, be on fire for Jesus.  If you stop and think about this, picture one tiny little spark, shaken up by the wind.  That tiny spark has the power to become a mighty blaze and to touch everything in it's path.  We are the spark, God is the wind.  Do not be fearful of the numbers of people who are deceived and want you to believe that we can not over come all things with the power of God on our side. That is a lie straight from the pit of hell.

Satan is on the prowl and even though I say that often, I will never stop saying it because he really is running out of time and he is seeking to take everyone with him that he can.  Like an acid that creeps and seeps into little crevices in your life, just to eat you up and destroy you.

I encourage you to guard your hearts and minds and to daily seek the word of God and become one with the Lord in truth and righteousness.  Do not be moved by any appearance, pull on all your hope and faith in the Lord and give Satan the beating he deserves in the name of Jesus.

Those of you who know me know that I have been in the battle of a life time with my daughter and now my son has decided that he doesn't want to do what he should be doing and the battle has carried over to him as well.  Only a Christian would understand me when I say that I am happy.  I stand firm on the word of God and his love for me and I will not be swayed and my children will serve the Lord.  My children will one day be mighty soldiers for Christ because it's God's promise to me that my life will be restored. It's my promise and I claim it in the name of Jesus.  No matter how long it takes, I will not give up, never loose hope in God.

My prayer is that the Lord make me a light to the world who teaches the truth in spirit and in love.  That all that see me might see my hope and faith in God to deliver my children and walk through this storm with confidence and honor.  I pray that the Lord be glorified when this battle is over and that my life might be a testimony to others that no matter where I find myself, the source of my being is the Lord and he shall overcome all things.  That I am like the tree planted by the water, grounded and rooted in the Lord.

God bless you all.

Friday, May 26, 2006


It's been a while since I have made any entry to my journal.  I've been so  occupied with this battle with the enemy over my daughter but the Lord has been faithful to help me get through.  I've been reading in the book of Job and how the Lord allowed satan to test him.  I have been reminded that just because you feel battle weary and beat up, maybe even removed from God's grace, it does not mean that you are.  The Bible gives us the information we need to fight any battle and to become victorious over our enemy, if only we stand firm and fight the evil in the world as a spiritual battle and not as a battle with man.

I have grown a lot since I started my journal.  I use to think that reading the word of God wasn't something I had time for or something that I could put on hold until once again I found myself in a battle, pleading for God's help.  I've always prayed but I'm telling you, there is something so powerful about reading God's word.   It gives you confidence, encouragement, weapons to beat the enemy, builds your faith, calms your spirit, teaches you so much.  That along with a good fellowship with other Christians, a strong prayer life and faith ......  you can and will stand against the evils of the world.

My heart is troubled because of the deceptions going on in this world today.  The more sensitive I become to the holy spirit, the more sensitive I become to sin and the evil in the world.  Satan is on the prowl and he is just looking for someone who opens up their life to it in any way.  The Da Vinci Code really bothers me a lot and I pray about it.  Such a deception for even some believers, little lone people who do not know the Lord.  I heard on the radio there is a man who claims that the Bible does not give us the tools to live life and face every day situations.  It grieves my heart as well as the Lords that anyone could say that, little lone tell the world.

The Bible clearly tells us that the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom.  I would never say anything that would cause anyone to doubt that God is who he says he is or suggest he does not give his children the knowledge to live life abundantly.

I pray that all of you who read this entry will be encouraged to stand firm against the attacks of the enemy.  Rather it be music, TV, books, immoral behavior, language ...... anything that could cause an opening for sin and an entry for the enemy to get a hold of your life.

The Lord is coming back and it may be very soon.  We all have to stand in judgement and be accountable for who we are here on earth and what we did for the Lord.  Do not let the enemy deceive you and rob you of your relationship with the Lord.  Stand firm and God bless you all.

Sunday, May 14, 2006



Truly I say that the Lord has the greatest knowledge when it comes to the value of a good mother.  I say this because personally, I have realized that being a mother who is devoted to her children is not always appreciated or rewarded here on earth.  For some this day is very sad.  There are those of you amoung up that have no relationship with their mother because of circumstances beyond their control. To them I say, bless your heart.  For others, there maybe those who's children want no relationship with their mother and do not see her value. Again, I say, bless your heart.

Some people are blessed with loving children and parents, I hope you know how fortunate you are.

This morning I woke up and the first thing on my mind after the Lord was my children.  The one day out of the year that they have to set aside and remember me.  It won't be a special day in my house, there's not been anyone to teach my children how blessed they are to have a mother like me.  I guess it's a question of maturity or maybe selflessness.  I don't know.  I adored my mother growing up and even to this day, I miss her with all my heart but she chose to walk away from me and my three brothers and there is nothing I can do to change it but pray.

I think for those of you who might be like me, it's important to remember that our eyes should be focused on the Lord and what he thinks of a mother.  When Jesus was on the cross, his very last words and concern were for John to take his mother into his home and care for her.  That's my comfort today, that I do what the Lord has called me to do.  I look to him for my value, not anyone else.  May God bless you and remind you of how special you are today and always.

Sunday, May 7, 2006


John 3:16 -- For God soooooo loved the world that he gave is only begotten son that who so ever believes in him should not perish but have ever lasting life.

Seems simple enough, even a child can understand those words because I was that child at one time.  My fellowship with the Lord brought me more joy than I can ever say. 

I use to think when I was a child that everything good that happened came from my parents but the truth is, most of my very best memories came from the love of God and the church I attended that always found the money to send me to church camp or something special.  Do you remember the door to door witnessing??  Those were the days.

I was doing my Bible study tonight and the Lord reminded me of how much he loves all of us.

John 15: I will not write the whole thing but I do encourage you to read this chapter.  It's an awesome reminder of how much love the Lord has for us all and how he provides for us and prunes us and is there for us, if only we abide in him.

Psalm 1: 1-3   Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the ungodly. Nor stand in the path of sinner.  Not sits in the seat of the scornful. But his delight is in the law of the Lord.  He shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that brings forth its fruit in it's season.

I love the word of God.  It's like an IV of constant love and instruction and encouragement to me.  I'm almost to the Psalms in my study and I am so excited.  Even though the entire Bible is important, I'm starting to get to the part that I've always studied and know.  It's nice to be reminded of the word and the encouragement with the beautiful Psalms.

I pray that you will read the scripture I have left for you and it will remind you of how much the Lord loves you.  The trials are hard and feel almost impossible but that's the love of God, pruning us and making us more obedient and stronger.  It's important if we are to be soldiers for the Lord.

In the samerespect, God surely doesn't fall short when he speaks of his love for us.  Over and over and over again he reminds us that he loves us and that all we have to do is submit our will to him and ask for the things we desire of him and he will give it to us.  The closer we get to the Lord, the more realistic our requests become.

I think about this man I mentioned in the very beginning of my journal and how much hurt I felt over the whole thing.  Now, as I have grown in the Lord, I realize that what I wanted was not the best thing for me and that God surely blessed me by not answering my prayers.

Sometimes I think he must look at me and just shake his head but no matter what I do, I know that he loves me and all I have to do is lay my sin at his feet and ask for forgiveness and he wipes the slate clean.

I hope this entry blesses you and that you have a renewed understanding of just how much he loves us.  God bless.

Friday, May 5, 2006


No one but another Christian could understand it when I say that I have all the peace that passes understanding.  I feel the strength and love of the Lord tonight and I am so charged up, just from reading Gods word.  It's truly all we need to find our answers.

I had such an awesome Bible study tonight, I just had to share it. The promises of God to answer our prayers.  We know it in our hearts and our faith tells us that all his promises are true but there's something about seeing it in writing that just fills the soul with joy from the Lord.

John 16:24 Until now you have asked nothing in My name.  Ask and you will receive, that your joy may be full.

1 John 5: 14 15  Now this is the confidence we have in Him, that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us.  And if we know that He hears us, what ever we ask, we know that we have the petitions that we have asked of Him.

Jeremiah 33: 3  Call to Me, and I will answer you and show you great and mighty things, which you do not know.

Matthew 7: 7-11 Ask and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find, knock and the door will be opened to you.  For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks find, and to him who knocks it will be opened. For what man is there among you who, if his son asks for bread, will give him stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will he give him a serpent?  If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him?

I believe the message is loud and clear.  Not only are we to believe the Lord and his promises but we are to directly ask him and trust him.  Not hope, but know that what we ask for is his will and his joy to give to us.  It's his promise to us all.

There's nothing like having a solid rock and foundation to lean on.  Someone you can always depend on.  Keep praying and believing and let's knock the enemy on his butt, in the name of the Lord.  God bless.


Thursday, May 4, 2006


Today is national prayer day, what a great day.  Not because my problems are all resolved.  Not because my trials are over.  Not because there is any relief in the suffering.  Today is a great day because it's like a national give glory to God day.  I can only imagine what it must feel like to the Lord to have so many people praying and giving thanks to him for all he does for us.  Like beams of light shining up to the heavens and I can just see the Lord basking in the glory he deserves.

I always worry because I know that the Bible teaches us to learn the word of God so we can be prepared if the enemy attacks.  I read my Bible every single day but my memory is so bad, I forget what I read right after I read it.  I think how can I defend myself from the enemy if I can't remember the scriptures?  I use to know them well but now I find there are very few I can remember.

I heard this minister talking about this very thing today and he said that he once heard another minister talking about this same thing. That minister pointed out that when you read the word of God, it cleanses your soul.  It's not a pointless effort to read the word of God, just because you can't remember it.  I hope that one day when I get to heaven, God will bless me for my efforts and the word of God will be there in my new mind and body.

I've been thinking about all the tragedy going on in the world around me.  Even in my very home, some days feel like I can't even get through it. I remember one of the first very tragic events in my life was when my big brother died.  He was only 25 years old and had a brand new baby girl, three weeks old.  I prayed and prayed that the Lord would bring him back.  We were so close, like peanut butter and jelly, the best of friends.  He always stood by me no matter what I faced and I have no doubt he would be here for me today.  It never made any sense to me that he had to die so young.  The best friend I ever had and he was gone.

It took a long time for me to accept that something could come between us, even death.  I remember when he was just a baby, maybe 3 years old, he always wanted to go live with Jesus.  He would tug onmy mothers apron string and tell her, " mama, I want to go live with Jesus.  When he was about five, he climbed to the top of a water tower, maybe 100 feet in the air or something.  When they finally got him down, my mother asked him what he was doing, he told her that he was trying to get to heaven.

I don't know why he was like that.  His whole life he felt no confidence or happiness in this life.  When he got older, he started drinking and doing drugs and all of us tried to help him but nothing did.  About a year before he died, he decided to try to get his life together.  He was attending college and working part time when he hurt his back.  Through all the pain and suffering, once again, he would pray with his whole heart that the Lord would just take him home.

Every time I think of him now and feel his absence, I think about his life and what it might be like today.  Still struggling with drugs and alcohol or worse.

Sometimes we just can't understand why horrible things happen to people that have such a good heart like he did.  He genuinely cared about people and loved the elderly.  As much as I miss him and as alone as I am with my family disowning me, I know that he is in a better place and that the strength of the Lord is my source.

I know so many of you are going through things that you just don't understand and you think that God has forgotten you or turned his back on you.  Please believe me when I say that he has not.  He loves you with all his heart and he is always there waiting.  Remember, God knows everything and sometimes, maybe when a young child dies or an elderly woman is killed, maybe that spares that person from something far worse.  Who really knows except God??

I encourage you to not be discouraged and to keep praying. Know that our heavenly father sits on the throne and he is in control.  When you are heavy burdened and your heart is breaking, turn to the Lord and he will hold you and keep you in his loving care.  God bless

Saturday, April 29, 2006


Lord, I humbly and sincerely thank you for all that you are to me.  Today my heart was broken and I felt like I couldn't take another step.  I reached out for you and you were there for me, like you always are and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Lord, today I went searching for a sign that you care about the sorrows in my heart and you sent me angels, in the form of friends who took the time to tell me that I matter and that they care for me.  Thank you for loving me.

Lord, today, while my heart was breaking over my daughter and all that I am going through with her, I felt like I had no business being a mother because I am in an impossible situation and trying to raise a rebellious teenager on my own with no support system, is completely impossible but you stepped in and sent my son to me in the form of a phone call and he made me feel like I was a queen and that he could not wish for a better mom.  Thank you that all things are possible with you.

Lord, tonight while I sit here all alone and wish that I had even one person to talk too that really cares about me and what I am going through, feeling, dealing with, you touched my heart and reminded me that I am not alone and that you will never leave me nor forsake me.  I am truly humbled to be loved by a King like you.

Lord, let me never forget that you are the reason I live and breath and love.  Help me to always remember that it only take a spark to get a fire going.  Help me to keep my fire going for you and to always strive to be a light to the world.  Thank you for your ever lasting mercy and love and grace that gets me through each day. I pray I never start to think that I deserve more than what you got when you were on this earth because if not for your life and your love for all, I would be nothing.  Teach me to always love and pray for others.  We are all suffering because that is the world we live in, cruel, selfish and evil.  Under your might wing is my hiding place.  Praise be to God who brings life to all.

Friday, April 28, 2006


Well, we made it through the week, by the grace of God.  For me it seems like the turmoil has blended the last two weeks into one single blur and it's been a struggle to get through.  Lately I have been face with the question of why we suffer, why isn't life getting any better?  Why isn't God answering my prayers, where is he?  People at work, friends on here and even my own child.

I have contemplated a lot of things these past few months.  I see the world getting worse and I also, continue my study through the old testament.  I see the tremendous wars and sin that the children of Israel and Judah endured.  I see the mighty hand of the Lord who not only destroys his enemies but miraculously saves his followers.

I don't know all the answers to why we suffer.  Some say it's to bring us to a closer walk with the Lord.  Others say it is because of the sins of our forefathers and our own lives and choices.

What I do know is that I see how horrible the world is getting and it reminds me of the days before Jesus when the Lord was directly who we answered too.  The difference now, from then is that we have our savior to turn too.  We have him to intercede for us and to save us.

The Lord wants but one thing from us and that is that we serve him.  It is his will for each and everyone of us to have eternal life with him and to glorify him.  It's when we do this that he is so pleased and our blessings are multiplied.

God loves you.  He died on the cross for our sins.  If you think about what that means, it's everything.  We have this life that he gave to us to serve him but we also run a race, just like Paul.  To live in this world and serve the Lord, well it's like living in the day when Jesus carried that cross, beaten and battered and spit upon and someone in the crowd, stepping forward to help him.

Our walk with the Lord is to be bold and carry honor and praise for our Lord.  If we want to be warriors for him and fight a good fight, we must take a stand as Christians and let our light shine for him.

Our breastplate of righteousness is our armor.  To set an example to the world of the peace that passes understanding, joy, love, kindness, patience and total, true devotion to the Lord.

I encourage all of you to strengthen your relationship with the Lord because in the end, it's all any of us will have.  Besides, it's so awesome to know that you are never alone and that he always has time for you. He will never leave you, nor forsake you and you can always count on him.

Is your life built on a solid foundation?  Do you put on your full armor everyday or do you wait for the crisis?  I pray this touches your heart and encourages you.  I pray that you remember who your enemy really is. I pray you pour out your anger on the enemy and with the help of God, you defeat him again.

Remember, he is already defeated and God will prevail.  Don't let him rob you of your joy with appearances.  No matter what your circumstances, God is bigger.  Praise him, make a joyful noise and trust him with all your heart.

Saturday, April 22, 2006


I see it all around me and I know everyone does, this world is a cruel place to live and it's only going to get worse until the Lord comes.  Those of us who are Christians, we know that this is the enemy and that we are in a spiritual warfare.  Everywhere I go, people I talk too, strangers or not, all of us are being attacked and we feel it.  Satan chooses the things that are going to have the most impact on us.  Our families, friends, work, everything and anything he thinks will work.   Why would't he?  He know's he is running out of time and that he is a looser.

I myself have had one of the most stressful times in my life, just recetly and I'm being pulled in so many directions. The one thing I gave up time for was being n the word of God.  That's how Satan breaks us down and beats us up.  He lies to us and tells us that we can not handle the situation, we can't get through, it's too much.

I say, Satan, you are a liar and you have no power over me.  Nothing can touch us that God does not allow.  Keep your guard up, stay in the word of God and trust him with all your soul, heart and mind. 

Some of you know what I'm dealing with and some of you don't but I still say, God is still on his throne and he will prevail.

JAMES 1:13,16,17 Weymouth
13 Let no one say when passing through trial, "My temptation is
from God;" for God is incapable of being tempted to do evil,
and He Himself tempts no one.
16 Do not be deceived, my dearly-loved brethren.
17 Every gift which is good, and every perfect boon, is from
above, and comes down from the Father, who is the source of all
Light. In Him there is no variation nor the slightest
suggestion of change.

Got burdens?  give them to the Lord.  Let not your heart be troubled.

Sunday, April 9, 2006






Saturday, April 8, 2006


Last night, as the sun went down on another day, I sat in my chair and thought of the events of the day.  You see, yesterday was not just another ordinary day with it's normal challenges.  I was sitting here at my computer when my daughter came in and told me that we had company.  The look on her face told me that I needed to brace myself and so as I got up and walked to the door, I carelessly thought about how I would deal with who was at the door, I never considered praying first.  See, I knew who was there before I even looked, as if the Lord just told me.

By the time I got the the living room, they were in my house already.  I saw the man who has caused such tremendous pain to my little girl.  He is related to my niece and it's such a sensitive matter, I have not been able to confront him for what he is guilty of.  The rage took hold of me and I lost my temper so quickly that I didn't have time to prepare my words.  Like a lion, protecting her young, I flew into this man.  I can't even repeat the words that came out of my mouth but I threw him out and I threatened to buy a gun and kill him myself.

I came back into my office and found my daughter in the arms of her boyfriend and she was visibly shaken.  She was crying and shaking and clinging to Chris like she was terrified.  As soon as she saw me, she grabbed a hold of me and wouldn't let go.  I was calm by then and I just stood there and held her and told her that she was safe and no one would ever hurt her again.  It broke my heart that she could ever be so hurt and yet here I am, her mother, in charge of keeping her safe.

I have her in counseling because she has such a serious anger problem.  I know what this man did to her but I found out, only by the grace of God and she doesn't realize I know everything.  I've been told to keep it to myself until she is ready to tell me everything.  That's one of the hardest things I have ever had to do because as a mother, I want this man to pay for what he did to her.  I want to put him away ......... I want to hurt him.

It wasn't long after this happened that I realized how far I still have to go in my walk with the Lord.  I thought about the sin of anger and how I could have handled it differently.  How God is provoked beyond belief and yet his anger does not pour out on us.  I felt convicted for the way I had handled the whole matter and I asked for forgiveness.  I am still angry today.  This man hurt my little girl and he deserves to pay for what he did.  The counselor says that if I take it all into my own hands before she is ready, it could ruin the rest of her life.

I admit that I am only human, living in a cruel world with worldly feelings that I must deal with everyday.  I thought I had come so far in my walk with the Lord but last night showed me that I have a long way to go.  Imagine being so much like the Lord that someone could seriously hurt one of your children and you still loved and prayed for that person.  I'm not there yet.  I want to be because that is what the Lord wants from me but I am not there yet.

Please pray for this situation.  Pray that the Lord takes care of this man and brings him to his knees.  Pray that my anger will not get the best of me like that again and please pray for my little girl and a healing for her.  She is so angry at God because he did not protect her and it's so hard for me to explain to her that he loves her with all his heart.  Today, I am humbled by the tremendous love that the Lord has for each and everyone of us.  God bless.

Wednesday, April 5, 2006

Patience, Obedience and Faith

Think back on that last time you were at your very lowest.  What happened before you felt the depression and pain?  Now, think back when you became happy again. What happened that caused you to become so depressed?  Did the Lord speak to you and tell you not to do something and you did it anyway?  Even after your disobedience, who was waiting there to pick you up and lift you on high ground again?  The Lord

In the Old Testament, so many times the Lord would choose a King for Israel and promise them everything.  The person would vow to be obedient , Solomon, Saul ... on and on but something would cause them to look at their circumstances and act out of their own fear and doubt. They would end up loosing everything.  Even though the Lord promised them everything they wanted or needed and he showed himself to be the most powerful and faithful God, they would get impatient and do what they wanted to instead of trusting God.

Is that how your life is today?  Do you feel the Lord tug on your heart and ignore it?  In your disobedience, cause yourself harm?  How often we get impatient and decide we can move without the Lords will, the Lords word.  If the Lord tells us to do something, no matter how it might seem, he always come through for us.  If we obey, we are so richly blessed.

Lord, give me your listening ear to hear and the obedience you would have me to have, in order that I might do your will and glorify you in the process.  I put my trust and faith in you with all my heart. Everything I have and am, is because of you.  Teach me to be obedient and have a Godly discernment, to do your will. Never let me forget that nothing can touch me that you don't allow.  Help me to trust in you.  Amen

Sunday, April 2, 2006


Make a joyful noise to the Lord, that is where my heart is.  I was thinking today and I want to make sure that those of you who read my journal, know that I am truly blessed.  I have a roof over my head, plenty of food to eat, my children and I are safe and warm.  It's important to me that all of you understand that I do not wallow in self pity, poor me.  On the contrary, I just know that the Bible tells us to confess our sins, one to another and to pray for one another.  It is my hope that anyone who reads this journal, who has a burden on their heart but is afraid to tell, knows that the Lord realizes that we all fall short of his glory but the GREAT NEWS is that if we confess our sins to him and ask for forgiveness, he is quick to forgive us and heal our lives.

I was reading in 1 Kings 5 - 8 about how Solomon built the Temple for the Lord.  It amazes me how much time and effort he put into building this temple and how he gave his very best to the Lord.  How many times does God ask us to do something that is difficult and seems impossible and we do it just to get through it?  I know I have been guilty of that.  Sometimes I'm too tired or something and I quickly go through my Bible study or prayers or something.

Imagine if the Lord did not give us his best?  Imagine if he only started an answer to our prayers and didn't finish it or didn't pay attention to our needs and got it wrong??

The Bible tells us that if we ask anything in God's name, according to his will, he will give it to us.  It's our faith that makes everything possible and how God works.  Praise you Lord that you love us and that you gave us your son to die for our sins.  Thank you Lord for all that you give to us, each and everyday and even when things are difficult and seem impossible, you always keep your word and you always see us through.

Thank you Lord that each and everyday is a new day to shine our light for you.  Help us to always count our blessings, name them one by one.  Help us to reach out to others and love even the hardest of hard of people.

God bless all of you who read this.  No, I'm not crazy.  I was feeling very sad this morning but I spent time with the Lord and I know that he will answer my prayers and that he is with me through everything.  Like the children of Israel, God keeps his promises to us and he will lead us out of the land of Egypt and into Israel, what ever that might mean to you.  Have a wonderful blessed week everyone.